I Survived…I Think?

I am so grateful to be in bed right now.

I survived the work week.  

I did not go off on people.

I utilized some of my skills I learned in DBT group to keep myself in some state of balance.

The biggest one would have to be not listening to rap, R&B, or hip hop music. I love those styles. It boosts my confidence. It also reminds me to tell people to fuck off. Literally. It brings out my hood side. Not necessarily in a good way when I am already emotionally volatile.

So I practiced awareness and avoided it. As well as sad music so I would not cry anymore.

Even though I craved it. Hard.

*     *      *      *      * 

Tomorrow I am supposed to see Cherry.

She has absolutely no clue what happened this past week.

I debated emailing her a heads up. But then again she did pawn me off on to Pati. Coaching Calls. But I hate doing that and imposing. Against my nature.

Thus, the assignment Cherry gave me is not done.

‘Twas barely a thought.

Ok well I thought about it. How I was supposed to do it. How it stressed me out that I had not done it. How it stressed me out to do it; that it might reflect me as a fat ass.

Yes. She has reinstated the dreaded Food Log with Emotion/Feelings. I despise it. A reminder of how I binge.

Sure it probably is all subjective bingeing. Except today’s… Over the course of the entire day I had 2 donuts, 2 shakes, grilled cheese, protein bar with soy [my version of a laxative], some garlic fries, chocolate milk shake. Fucking horribly unhealthy. And truly not bad in terms of food eaten in a 16hour period. But it feels like I ate it all in one sitting. Because it was at work. Regret.

That is why I have to do the damn log again.

But I know Pati can justify why I didn’t recreate the journal and fill it out. It’s a legit excuse. I’ve been in crisis survival mode for months now but it’s just plain survival mode while drowning now. Barely staying afloat.

Never thought this would be my life again.

Now how to tell Pati my anxiety is too high and while she talked me into our meeting I have to skip it: same exact time as reigstration for my first ever 5k. And of course it is one of the most popular and hugh demanded races. It goes fast. Yiu have to be on the computer and prepared to wait there in case you miss by a millisec and must wait for ofhers to finish before you.

Yet Pati convinced me a few days ago to come in; to do it in her computer. But I just cannot take any chances with timing and my shitty luck. Oops.

To anxiety! And it pulling me from professional help to run a race!


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