Shutting Down

I am.

I am having the cravings to get drunk again. I am house sitting this weekend so maybe I will. Just…escape.

No one notices me losing myself. Getting lost in it all.

Suck it up, Cassie. Don’t let them see you falter. That’s what they have been telling me.

Tonight PC told me he is tired of how all our phone conversations lately [literally the past week] have ended up negative.

He kept saying he felt like I was hiding things and wanted me to open up more. So I did.

My life is fucked up. It’s everything but sunshine and daisies.

I choose to be positive because if I focused on reality and its negativity well I’d have fucking really killed myself back in high school.

So I’m in the middle of a horrific situation with work; very toxic. Very invalidating, very bullying. I have been puking and crying every day for two weeks now.

Then I’m at home with my usual invalidation of family.

Just can’t escape it. There on all fronts.

So excuuuuse me for not wanting to be fake and hide everything from my boyfriend who complains that I do.

Man I am such a bitch.

Not really sure what to do.

Two fucks aren’t given towards me right now.

“Everyone has their problems” and while I sacrificed myself for everyone else and their problems, no one seems to care to ask if I’m ok with my crisis. They all disappeared.

Cockroaches when the lights come on.

Should have known better.

So ya. I am shutting down. And maybe I will drown my problems in alcohol.

I deserve an escape from my life. It’s beyond fucked up. Can’t make my life up or the shit I see and experience.

A toast: to what is probably the beginning of the end of my relationship with PC, to escaping me for a little bit, to being able to shut down, to being selfish and focusing on me.

I can’t win anyways.

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