That Feeling…

When Ed’s voice has moved back in control, and you know you have gained weight. But you know that to actually lose weight you have to eat. But Ed’s voice is telling you to restrict and not eat because you don’t deserve it and that to lose weight it’s by not investing.

It makes sense… For everyone else.

But not me and my body.

And now I feel myself splitting in two and I’m going insane.

I pulled on my bottoms today. They were right in the thighs and butt. Like I have gained weight. Yet the top is so big it goes down over my thighs.

How is it possible that I can lose weight for my short to be big and baggy enough but the pants have all been tighter.

I feel more thigh muscle definition. And when I do the pinch test there is less to pinch. Yet I feel fatter.

Cherry says that Ed’s voice and anorexia is really good at distorting perceptions to the point of even feelings–I can feel like my clothes are tighter and they are not.

Now I don’t know if it’s her seeing me physically losing weight but I am pretty damn convinced that I have gained weight at least in my thighs.

So I’m back at that moment. Specific to me.

That moment when Ed’s voice is telling me stop fighting to eat and forcing it to happen because I need to lose weight. Weight loss happens by not eating and no in take of calories. But sane, rational, medical Cassie knows that for me to lose weight I actually have to eat and eat more.

Ya that twisted moment.

That exact feeling.

That is how I felt today. That is what I an struggling with tonight.

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