Archive | September 2015

Still Overwhelmed

Life is still a lot to handle right now.

The past few days I have been in and out of my therapists’ offices game planning, crisis interventioning, and figuring out where my head is at.

My sleep has been askew for over a week now, which anyone who has been a part of DBT can tell you, means the PLEASE Skills are not being met.

AKA everything else in my life is just gettingnworse because of the lack of sleep. Because I cannot handle it.

I am honestly trying to calmly handle one thing at a time.

Yes I am avoiding thinking about that work bullying thing because it is a shitshow with no resolution. It will only cause more panic on panic.

Anyways. So yesterday I went in to see my psychiatrist for urgent meeting about pharmacological interventions for work shifts.

Here is the problem. I already know what my pharmacological options are…and if Ativan is not working, I am straight fucked.

I also hate taking medications if I do not absolutely need to–I would rather treat the cause and resolve that.

So that is how desperate I am.

And there is no pharmacological intervention. Of course. But I was prescribed Ambien for sleeping because I cannot fall asleep nor stay asleep.

I also found out yesterday my blood pressure has significantly dropped….yikes!

Last weekend PC was supposed to take care of me and well that failed. I have been trying retail therapy to deal and that is not good. Yesterday he and I had a very weird coming of blows conversation. I ended up at his place and he took care of me. No more of his bs I am sick shit.

I took the Ambien and I was scared. I had a panic attack while falling asleep. Like my whole body could not stop moving and freaking out while my brain went 10miles a minute and a fog washed over my body closing my eyes. I tried to fight it. It was so scary.

And yet I still kept waking up throughoutnthe night.

I got dropped off this morning and slept all day. But STILL kept waking up. I still keep having nightmares. My brain will not turn off.

I am just so over this! I just want to sleep. A solid 8 hours and that is what I want!!

Why is that so much to ask for?

To not be bullied…to not be harassed….to have things go smoothly…to sleep.

LoveMe Challenge: Day 20

  

Something I love to wear: my smile

I know you might think it is cheesy, but I can wear it well and at any size.

Smiles are contagious and can be given to strangers.

Smiles are free.

And in DBT group therapy, one skill we learned is called “the half smile.” The rationale behind it is why I naturally smile all the time: everyone benefits from it.

LoveMe Challenge: Day 19

  

Something I feel strongly about. I feel strongly about a handful of topics. 

I think I have to pick kids’ rights

Children are misrepresented and also unrepresented. The biggest problem is anyone can have kids and kids cannot pick their parents. So I am a huge advocate for children.

Children should have access to free healthcare no matter their parents’ socioeconomic status, citizenship status, or parents’ beliefs.

LoveMe Challenge: Day 18

Something that feeds my brain: Duolingo.

I am trying to stay fresh with my multilingualism. Right now I am trying to perfect my French. Inhave been using the app Duolingo which can be downloaded for free from the Apple iTunes store or the Google Play store.

You can learn almost any major common language from it!! I was greedy and excited st first and started them all…. miiiistake!

So I have been finetuning my French to perfect it. Like seriously perfect it.

And since I am almost at the end of the app’s presented sections for French, I started on Spanish. Inhave always wanted to learn Spanish and it would come in handy in my profession. There are a lot of similarities to French grammar so I am doing ok.

Anyways. So I have a goal and every day I do one round [either practice or new lesson] each in French and Spanish.

This feeds my brain.

After I am pro with Spanish, on to German and Russian. 😛

I am bilingual in French and English.

Growing up I could understand German and Yiddish. I want those back. I also grew up in Hawaii. Started going through lesrning Hawaiian again. But Spanish had an app and Hawaiian is a book…

Then, being Jewish, I learned to read/write/speak Hebrew. I want to remaster that.

I also was the. exposed a lot to Russian. I could understand and speak it. Never learned to read and write. So its been over a decade but I followed a long better than I thought recently.

So I am learning from scratch Spanish. Then to master [again] German, Hebrew, Hawaiian, and Russian.

Then on to Italian, Gaelic [Irish], Danish, and Dutch. Because I can. And all through Duolingo.

Who, might I add, is PERFECT!!!

All learning techniques: picture-word identification, oral comprehension, matching english to the language, provided english and hsve to translate, provided language have to translate, have to speak into microphone amd be measured, have to listen and type what is heard…. truly amazing!!!! AND COMPLETELY 100% FREE

Check. It. Out.


Feed your brain.

LoveMe Challenge: Day 17

Something that feeds my soul: volunteering.

I love that I am able to volunteer with a charity on a routine basis…shoot a weekly basis!! I love giving my time and spending it with others. I am donsting my heart and soul to those kids who need it the most. It is also a very worthy cause.

I volunteer for multiple organizations. I think my time is the most valuable thing I have so if I can donste myself and my time, I am doing a huge favor.

It is selfish as I feel so good after helping others. I love that high I get from betteringnothers and impacting them in a positive way. It feeds my soul. It brings back a piece of Cassie that is sucked away by my denegrating job.

Liebster Award 2

I’ve had the privilege of being nominated to the Liebster Award by two fabulous, creative, innovative, real,….well I just could keep going here…. bloggers and I feel very honored to have this!! So I am filling it out twice!!

This nomination was by the fabulous Emma.


Here are the rules for this:

  • Make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated me and include the Liebster Award sticker in the post.
  • Nominate 5-10 other bloggers and notify them of this in one of their posts.
  • All nominated bloggers are to have less than 200 followers.
  • Answer the 11 questions posed by your nominator and create 11 different questions for your nominees to answer. Or, you can repeat the same questions.
  • Copy these rules into your post.

My Questions as Posed by Emma

  1. Do you remember your 14th birthday? How was it? My 14th birthday?! That was a lifetime away!! Literally 15 years ago!! Well, I remember I went to my favorite restaurant which is fondue based. I had my best girl friends there…the guy friends could not go because one of my best friends’ moms would not let her go otherwise. Cindy was there! I was graduating 8th grade so it was a very sentimental time in my life. A lot of change was happening–my tiny class I grew up with was splitting up and I was about to be immersed into a class of 2,000. An end of an era.
  2. Do you fear death? No. I am ready for it. I am not suicidal because that is against my religion and beliefs–being Jewish and knowing about how many people died in the Holocast Oyvey!! But also working as a healthcare provider and seeing how many people fight for life to have it taken away from them, I just cannot do it. Too much guilt. Also with that, working in a trauma center, I have seen some crazy shit that you cannot make up… And it has proven to me that you just never know what will happen when and when it is your time. So no I don’t want to die but yes I am ready for it and I am not afraid of it.
  3. If you would have a daugther being born today, what would you name her? HAHAHAHA OH MAN I have one name specifically and it is after a Disney character. I cannot say becausenitnwill give me away completely because everyone who knows me knows I will name my daughter this. But I am also thinking Calypso and Nicole with nicknames of course!! I love nicknames!!
  4. Are you at the place in your life that you wish to be? Far from it. It has caused my most recent relapse and many panic attacks. No matter how hard I try to stay positive and fight for what I want, I keep getting dealt bad cards and finding walls instead of doors. Just an unlucky lady.
  5. Do you like having lemon juice on top of a pasta dish? Depends. On Alfredo, yes please!! Maybe even a red sauce. But just butter no.
  6. If you could travel anywhere for free today, where would you go? I really want to go Australia/New Zealand, France, and Europe [do the concentration camp tour]. But I also love Hawaii, Disneyland, Disney world, and Las Vegas.
  7. Have you ever broken up with a friend? Yes multiple times.mit is really, really rough. One let his girlfriend call me degrading terms because she was jealous. Another, a girl,must kept flaking on me. One friend  always wanted me for her convenience and I was at a point in my life where I didn’t have time to make all the effort or energy for that. I ended a lot of friendships when I was going to two schools full time and working part time. They expected me to still plan everything and coordinate schedules when I told them I needed them to step up for it. Out here, people are very selfish and entitled. It was and still is hard for me to accept but I cut those people out. It really paid off when I was going through my biggest relapse and recovery initiation.
  8. Who is your favourite characther on FRIENDS? Hmmm Phoebe and Rachel
  9. What do you know about Sweden? They produced Martin Garrix and some other amazing EDM artists [Swedish House Mafia]. They have some of the most beautiful people. I love their culture and their history. Sweden and Denmark hate to be confused!!! Their streets and immersion of outdoor culture is amazing.
  10. What’s your dream job? To be a pediatric nurse. I think acute care or critical care. Maybe even cardio thoracic.
  11. What did you have for breakfast today? I slept through breakfast. But I had shakes to compensate.

I nominate the following amazing bloggers for the Liebster Award! I love reading your posts and find them motivational and inspirational. I look forward to your responses!

Here are my questions!!

  1. What types of pets have you had? If none, which kind do you wish you had had?
  2. What do you think of when you think of California and someone from California [be brutally honest]?
  3. What is one art or craft skill you want to learn and why?
  4. What is your all time favorite joke? Yup, tell it here!
  5. What is one thing you have not done but are going to push yourself to try and do before the end of 2015?
  6. What is your guilty pleasure[s]?
  7. What is something you feel confident you are good at…so much so you could teach someone else if they did not know how to do it?
  8. Have you ever felt yourself doing something, or even believing something, just because societal pressures indicated you to do so even if you did not believe it to be true or you did not have a strong feeling either way? What was it and what did you do in the end?
  9. What is your favorite decor item in your bedroom and why?
  10. Have you ever personally been victimized by Regina George?
  11. Favorite song of the moment:

Liebster Award Noms!!

I’ve had the privilege of being nominated to the Liebster Award by two fabulous, creative, innovative, real,….well I just could keep going here…. bloggers and I feel very honored to have this!! So I am filling it out twice!!

My first nomination was by WeightyWonder.

Here are the rules for this:

  • Make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated me and include the Liebster Award sticker in the post.
  • Nominate 5-10 other bloggers and notify them of this in one of their posts.
  • All nominated bloggers are to have less than 200 followers.
  • Answer the 11 questions posed by your nominator and create 11 different questions for your nominees to answer. Or, you can repeat the same questions.
  • Copy these rules into your post.

My Questions as Posed by WeightyWonder

  1. If you didn’t blog about what you blog about now, what would you blog about? I am honestly not sure. I feel like being true to myself is the best I can do. Giving advice is great but I feel like there are so many of those out there. And teenagers today never want to listen to someone older than them who went through the same things. I am passionate about a few things. I am possibly going to help do a blog for my new job on healthcare concerns related to my new field. That will be fun. But nothing like being open and honest so others understand via transparency about eating disorders and their impacts.mand currently the effects of bullying and harassment by a boss.
  2. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Hahaha immediate response: I want my college dancer body back. Ok shut up Ed. I think it would be not letting other people’s opinions of me get to me and impact me the way it does.
  3. Who is your favorite person to spend a night binge-watching movies/tv with? Haaaa PC is out because he falls asleep! Badgyr. I miss her sooo much!! But she’s my perfect binge watcher!!! Ooo and Erin!! Erin and I always binge on holiday movies!
  4. Do you have any pets? Tell us about them. NOOOOOOO!! I seriously think that is why my anxiety is so bad right now. I usually have pet rats and they help!! I am hoping to do a move real soon and then I can look into pets. Had a gaggle of kittens recently but we found them loving homes. I could really use a therapy animal.
  5. What is “your song”? It seriously depends on who you ask. Everyone has a song that reminds them of me because I fit into a lot of songs. LA face with an Oakland booty….. But I think I would have to choose Miley Cyrus “The Climb” because it came out when I was fighting an uphill battle, and damnit I am always fighting an uphill battle. I had phases where it was Britney Spears “If You Seek Amy”, Sia’s “Chandelier”, Tove Lo “Habits”, Seether ft Amy Lee “Broken” I won’t lie.
  6. What are five words that describe you? Passionate, loyal, empathetic, caring, compassionate.
  7. If you were going to dye your hair a crazy color, what color would you choose? That deep purple maroon color. I want to do it allll over my head!!
  8. What body jewelry/piercings do you have? Tons! I LOVE piercings and have more to come!! Belly button, double ear lobe bilaterally, double cartilage, tragus, triple forward helix, and had something private and had orbital cartilage.
  9. If you had to watch one tv show only for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Not just one sorry. It would be Gilmore Girls, M*A*S*H, Skins UK, and Modern Family.
  10. Socks or slippers? For what? To sleep it is socks. To walk around it is slippers.
  11. Who is your favorite sidekick? Pasquale from Tangled.

Now my turn to nominate some amazing bloggers, yeeyee!! i cannot wait to see how you answer my questions!

Here are my questions for them!!

  1. What types of pets have you had? If none, which kind do you wish you had had?
  2. What do you think of when you think of California and someone from California [be brutally honest]?
  3. What is one art or craft skill you want to learn and why?
  4. What is your all time favorite joke? Yup, tell it here!
  5. What is one thing you have not done but are going to push yourself to try and do before the end of 2015?
  6. What is your guilty pleasure[s]?
  7. What is something you feel confident you are good at…so much so you could teach someone else if they did not know how to do it?
  8. Have you ever felt yourself doing something, or even believing something, just because societal pressures indicated you to do so even if you did not believe it to be true or you did not have a strong feeling either way? What was it and what did you do in the end?
  9. What is your favorite decor item in your bedroom and why?
  10. Have you ever personally been victimized by Regina George?
  11. Favorite song of the moment:

Slow Roll

Hey everyone.

I made it through the weekend. barely though.

i am going to slowly try and adjust back into this so bare with me, ok?

on the 0-10 scale i had been at a 16-20 from thursday through today.

right now i am at a ten.

no ten is not a healthy place but it is something that i have learned to ignore and avoid. so i am having severe sleep issues, vomiting, nausea, and panic attakcs–with 1.5mg Ativan on board [high for me i roll at 0.5mg].

i have a full on intervention crisis meeting tomorrow with my therapy team and doctor.

i will also see if my bosses decide to demand a sick note for me calling in sick this weekend. no worries–i have one since my doctors all pulled me. i mean shit the stress is just ridiculous.

PC has been fairly amazing. i was pretty sure he would dump me. still thinking it; like waiting till im not considered high risk and then bounce.

but then again he would not talk about “our” holiday card we will send out this fall….

he was sick this weekend so i was kinda irked that i spent the whole weekend taking care of him. most of the time it was really helpful as a distraction. but it also meant a) exposing my ass to whatever the hell he has, b) no sex outlet which is one of my coping mechanisms, c) i barely slept even for naps because i was caring for him, d) i needed him to take care of ME this weekend!!! he was supposed to basically coddle me and stroke my ego. i really needed him like crazy and basically ended up taking care of his ass.

i dont know.

im not sure where the fuck my future lies now. i dont know about my job. i dont know about my future job i signed my offer letter for [ya that was my good news–new job was supposed to transfer].

too much happened at once. i lost all my energy and emotions.

now to game plan on survival mode for the next few work shifts till it is determined what is happening.

i need tgtfo you guys. that is why i wanted to self harm. i am so angry. from not being able to fight back against the bullying and harassment. i am mot one to just take that. but i hsve to because its from my bosses.

i feel so numb. i cant resort to sex or alcohol anymore–i have PC in my life.

all my usual self harm outlets are cut off because i love PC.

i cant hurt my boss, or PC, so i have to rid this tension some how so it would be on myself.

thats been my battle.

has time ever slowed down so much for you,mit is unbearable? where every second seems to have 60 minutes in it?

thats how i feel.

my life just slowed down.

Pause

There have been some ongoing events lately that should be joyous.

I had been looking forward to sharing them with yall.

Unfortunately, the bullying and harassment at work by my boss, underboss, and coworkers has just gotten to be too much. I have literally given up because I cannot handle it anymore.

I know that I am a very strong individual, but the fact that my boss wants to ride me till I die and his actions to prove it yesterday is too much for me.

I had horrible thoughts and self harm came up. I have been vomiting from the stress again. PC spent 2 hours on the phone last night making me promise him not to do anything self harming.

I could never commit suicide–it is against ny religion and beliefs.

But the anxiety and tension are so out of control Ativan is doing nothing. Self harm seems like the only outlet.

I do not want to lose followers for that. This is not my proudest moment. It is my weakest moment.

Today I have been on the phone all day with my therapy team and doctor. We decided that it is best that I am pulled from work this weekend. It is best for my health.

I have to get through till Monday and then we go from there again.

I can seriously see how these teens kill themselves over bullying–it is horrible! Can’t hurt people back, lose energy, lose yourself.

I am a fighter so I die everytime I have to take it from my boss.

Thankfully I am not being admitted to psych so yes. Just PC obs on me with frequent calls from the team and our plan.

For that reason, I am pausing all my blogging and challenges–I want to be in the right frame of mind as well as everything is too much right now.

I am so sorry.

To be continued hopefully Monday.