My first cake I made had flaws. I was very upset by this.
It was supposed to be perfect. I was supposed to blow the class away; be the best! I am not sure who I was really making the point to–myself or the class.
But we alllll know where it came from: Ed’s voice.
I had spent a week creating and organizing flowers. I was only making flowers that I was anazing at. It did help that my mom was very upset that I was better at roses, leaves, tulips, and other flowers. But in all fairness, I cannot make carnations or ice cakes very well. And she used to be a professional for Wilton.
But that is what upset her I think.
She had decades of experience and I had watched and replicated.
But I also have anorexia, OCD light, and a whole plethora of other things that make me acutely aware of my environment.
I learned early on I learn best from watching others do–either make mistakes or physically do something in front of me. It is how I roll.
But it all comes at a cost.
You know, that whole self hatred, self depricating, never good enough, Ed’s voice thing.
Well, in this course I was very upset that I somehow managed to buy the wrong kind of decorating dust for my flowers. [Note: apparently they all have a different liquid needed to be applied: vodka, lemon juice, water–I assumed they all used water]. I mixed water with it since there were no instructions and applied to my flower.
It came out hideous. I still remember that moment and it was a year ago!
As soon as we started assembling our cakes for presentation, I lost it again–Ed’s voice was in full gear comparing all the cakes to mine.
And mine was a failure.
I had picked purple for two reasons: 1) it is the color ribbon for eating disorders and 2) it is Badgyr’s favorite color. I was channeling her and making it in her honor… Even if she lives on the opposite side of the country from me.
Here are some shots of my purple cake and my mom’s yellow cake. But to start, my roses. First ones I ever made.
I later came to realize the reason cake decorating is such a big deal to me is because outside of sex and starving myself, it is something that I am really good at and it doesn’t matter what I look like to do it.
It was the first thing since the car accident that had ended my promising professional dancing career at 17 that was an outlet that was not a self harming or dangerous one.
That is why I was so upset with it not being my perfect first cake–both Ed’s voice and I needed it to be.