I took a cake decorating course with my mom a year ago. It was a fondant course. It was something to help us connect because frankly I don’t understand why she hates me so much at times [I do but I am trying to get her to stop associating her hate and anger from her siblings with me].
I surprised her and listened to her all these years. I found a fondant cake decorating course that met a total of four times; once a week for four weeks. It was at–shocker–Michael’s. I figured for me it covered two things: 1) trying to break the barriers of my relationship with my mom and 2) help me deal with my eating disorder and the OCD behaviors. All while having fun and gaining a new skill.
I love baking! Well, I did before the anorexia kicked back in…
Anyways, we took this course. The first night I freaked out. I had to touch the sugar fondant with my hands and get all up in it. I did not realize how bad my behaviors were until that night. The smell “stuck with my hands” and I could not scrub it off. Panic attacks and obsessive washing and it was not going anywhere.
When I saw Cherry two days later I told her about it. I told her I had to quit. I couldn’t do it. We talked about how my mom would not go back if I didn’t go with her…even though we were 2 of the 5 people in the class.
It was a tough session.
In the end I became a genius and had a lightbulb moment.
My mom, as unsupportive to this day about my eating disorder as she was then, mocked me and kept telling me how mortified she was.
I rolled into class with a box of gloves. I was not doing that class without gloves.
I ended up commended because thank you cheez-its we ended up dying the fondant so I walked out with no dye on my hands. It all worked out.
I worked on my fear of food. I baked a cake, decorated it, presented it for a final presentation, and worked on my OCD behaviors of perfectionism through food medium. It was genius!! I mean sometimes I am goooood.
And now my cakes are in high demand with my friends and family. I’ve been asked to decorate for professional purposes, but I can’t do it.
They don’t understand what cake decorating represents to me. It is a huge accomplishment. A milestone in my recovery. It represents so much more than a beautiful cake.
Every time I make one, I still struggle. I still have OCD behaviors. I still get anxious about being around food for extended periods of time because it can easily trigger me to not eat as I have mentioned before.
Thinking about it and writing about it is difficult as well. Shiiiiit, I am sipping on a shake as we speak. Cheers!