Ed’s Voice vs. Cake Decorating: Part One

I took a cake decorating course with my mom a year ago. It was a fondant course. It was something to help us connect because frankly I don’t understand why she hates me so much at times [I do but I am trying to get her to stop associating her hate and anger from her siblings with me].

I surprised her and listened to her all these years. I found a fondant cake decorating course that met a total of four times; once a week for four weeks. It was at–shocker–Michael’s. I figured for me it covered two things: 1) trying to break the barriers of my relationship with my mom and 2) help me deal with my eating disorder and the OCD behaviors. All while having fun and gaining a new skill.

I love baking! Well, I did before the anorexia kicked back in…

Anyways, we took this course. The first night I freaked out. I had to touch the sugar fondant with my hands and get all up in it. I did not realize how bad my behaviors were until that night. The smell “stuck with my hands” and I could not scrub it off. Panic attacks and obsessive washing and it was not going anywhere. 

When I saw Cherry two days later I told her about it. I told her I had to quit. I couldn’t do it. We talked about how my mom would not go back if I didn’t go with her…even though we were 2 of the 5 people in the class.

It was a tough session.

In the end I became a genius and had a lightbulb moment.

My mom, as unsupportive to this day about my eating disorder as she was then, mocked me and kept telling me how mortified she was. 

I rolled into class with a box of gloves. I was not doing that class without gloves.

I ended up commended because thank you cheez-its we ended up dying the fondant so I walked out with no dye on my hands. It all worked out.

Literally.

I worked on my fear of food. I baked a cake, decorated it, presented it for a final presentation, and worked on my OCD behaviors of perfectionism through food medium. It was genius!! I mean sometimes I am goooood.

And now my cakes are in high demand with my friends and family. I’ve been asked to decorate for professional purposes, but I can’t do it. 

They don’t understand what cake decorating represents to me. It is a huge accomplishment. A milestone in my recovery. It represents so much more than a beautiful cake.

Every time I make one, I still struggle. I still have OCD behaviors. I still get anxious about being around food for extended periods of time because it can easily trigger me to not eat as I have mentioned before.

Thinking about it and writing about it is difficult as well. Shiiiiit, I am sipping on a shake as we speak. Cheers!

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