Slow Roll

Hey everyone.

I made it through the weekend. barely though.

i am going to slowly try and adjust back into this so bare with me, ok?

on the 0-10 scale i had been at a 16-20 from thursday through today.

right now i am at a ten.

no ten is not a healthy place but it is something that i have learned to ignore and avoid. so i am having severe sleep issues, vomiting, nausea, and panic attakcs–with 1.5mg Ativan on board [high for me i roll at 0.5mg].

i have a full on intervention crisis meeting tomorrow with my therapy team and doctor.

i will also see if my bosses decide to demand a sick note for me calling in sick this weekend. no worries–i have one since my doctors all pulled me. i mean shit the stress is just ridiculous.

PC has been fairly amazing. i was pretty sure he would dump me. still thinking it; like waiting till im not considered high risk and then bounce.

but then again he would not talk about “our” holiday card we will send out this fall….

he was sick this weekend so i was kinda irked that i spent the whole weekend taking care of him. most of the time it was really helpful as a distraction. but it also meant a) exposing my ass to whatever the hell he has, b) no sex outlet which is one of my coping mechanisms, c) i barely slept even for naps because i was caring for him, d) i needed him to take care of ME this weekend!!! he was supposed to basically coddle me and stroke my ego. i really needed him like crazy and basically ended up taking care of his ass.

i dont know.

im not sure where the fuck my future lies now. i dont know about my job. i dont know about my future job i signed my offer letter for [ya that was my good news–new job was supposed to transfer].

too much happened at once. i lost all my energy and emotions.

now to game plan on survival mode for the next few work shifts till it is determined what is happening.

i need tgtfo you guys. that is why i wanted to self harm. i am so angry. from not being able to fight back against the bullying and harassment. i am mot one to just take that. but i hsve to because its from my bosses.

i feel so numb. i cant resort to sex or alcohol anymore–i have PC in my life.

all my usual self harm outlets are cut off because i love PC.

i cant hurt my boss, or PC, so i have to rid this tension some how so it would be on myself.

thats been my battle.

has time ever slowed down so much for you,mit is unbearable? where every second seems to have 60 minutes in it?

thats how i feel.

my life just slowed down.

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