Still Overwhelmed

Life is still a lot to handle right now.

The past few days I have been in and out of my therapists’ offices game planning, crisis interventioning, and figuring out where my head is at.

My sleep has been askew for over a week now, which anyone who has been a part of DBT can tell you, means the PLEASE Skills are not being met.

AKA everything else in my life is just gettingnworse because of the lack of sleep. Because I cannot handle it.

I am honestly trying to calmly handle one thing at a time.

Yes I am avoiding thinking about that work bullying thing because it is a shitshow with no resolution. It will only cause more panic on panic.

Anyways. So yesterday I went in to see my psychiatrist for urgent meeting about pharmacological interventions for work shifts.

Here is the problem. I already know what my pharmacological options are…and if Ativan is not working, I am straight fucked.

I also hate taking medications if I do not absolutely need to–I would rather treat the cause and resolve that.

So that is how desperate I am.

And there is no pharmacological intervention. Of course. But I was prescribed Ambien for sleeping because I cannot fall asleep nor stay asleep.

I also found out yesterday my blood pressure has significantly dropped….yikes!

Last weekend PC was supposed to take care of me and well that failed. I have been trying retail therapy to deal and that is not good. Yesterday he and I had a very weird coming of blows conversation. I ended up at his place and he took care of me. No more of his bs I am sick shit.

I took the Ambien and I was scared. I had a panic attack while falling asleep. Like my whole body could not stop moving and freaking out while my brain went 10miles a minute and a fog washed over my body closing my eyes. I tried to fight it. It was so scary.

And yet I still kept waking up throughoutnthe night.

I got dropped off this morning and slept all day. But STILL kept waking up. I still keep having nightmares. My brain will not turn off.

I am just so over this! I just want to sleep. A solid 8 hours and that is what I want!!

Why is that so much to ask for?

To not be bullied…to not be harassed….to have things go smoothly…to sleep.

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