It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Explanation]

Guess what my amazing and loyal readers?!?! I am attempting a comeback to my photo challenge!! I hate that I had to stop.

For those of you just tuning in, I have been dealing with workplace violence–harassment and bullying from my boss[es], peers, coworkers, well all levels. I just took it because I needed the money and health insurance.

In a nutshell: I finally saw freedom–was/am making a lateral move to another department which impacts my ego but it is out of the toxic environment I am in [so bad that about 20 people have left in the past year….yuuuup] –my boss who is resigning still had to make his mark and refused my two weeks notice–then stated that he would be renegotiating my transfer date–I saw my freedom slip away–I lost it–I nearly self harmed–PC my amazing boyfriend in addition to my amazing therapy team kept me safe and out of the hospital for the weekend–my therapy team and Doctor pulled me off work for the weekend–I was so stressed which why I wanted to self harm but I had not slept in a week–I was so anxious and overwhelmed [no not depressed] I could not shower or do anything but panic and cry– I got prescription for Ambien–I spent last weekend with PC–I have been slowly getting sleep back–which in turn is decreasing my anxiety–which in turn is helping me manage my anorexia and keep me from involuntarily stress vomit–and I still have no idea when I am transferring and I work tomorrow.

Ya that was a lot. So anyways with the Ambien and a day of just sleeping all. Day. I have finally started to calm done, cope, and gain energy.

Which meant slowly returning to normalcy.

I am binge shopping though which is not good.

Like bargain shopping on designer purses. Ugh. The Jew in me cannot resist a good deal!! Dammit!!!

I have however been cleaning.  

A lot.

I had to make room for my new work clothes.

I have worn gym clothes, jeans, and scrubs for 8 years. Actually much longer. This is the first time in my life that I have to wear business casual. So I needed to make room for that.  

At the same time, I wanted to make a drawer for my running clothes, gym clothes, and dance clothes. All require different clothes. Especially when you are fat.

I ended up getting rid of some gym shorts to make room for ones that made me feel confident.

I also decided to have my two drawers be bottoms and tops: gym on the left, running on the right. I already have my dance drawer so I tidied that up.

What does this all mean?

After years of having a scrubs drawer filled with awkward underwear dedicated for scrubs and sports bras because you get to be comfy in scrubs, I am ending this chapter of my life.

This is huge.

This job was my favorite place to be. I used to countdown going to work. I still love my patients and some of my doctors. And I will miss the trauma excitement–ohhh that rush!

But I will not miss what it has become in the past 4 years. The toxicity. Friends turning on friends. Isolation. People spreading false rumors and gossip. Throwing you under the bus to protect themselves. The lies and manipulation. The laziness. My positivity being a negative thing.

No one should leave each shift and cry.

No one should constantly fear for the safety of their patients.

I’ve lost my fight. I’ve lost my energy. This job literally killed me.

So I was ecstatic to clean out that scrubs drawer and put in my gym and running tops! I felt the biggest weight lift. I feel like a bitch because I am so happy and want to brag that I am putting in my new positive life in that drawer instead. My 5k training and *hopefully* healthy gym exercising.

Total catharsis.

Now for the pictures. See the next post. :]

Thanks for baring with me through the past few weeks. It has been rough is truly an understatement.

xOxOx Cassïe

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2 thoughts on “It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Explanation]

  1. You haven’t lost the fight. Losing would be compromising your wellbeing by staying in that shit environment even longer. It’s brave to change and I’m so glad that you have made the right decision. Nobody should go home and cry.. And that won’t be you anymore 💕 here’s to the future eh? Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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