Terminations

This week I experienced the termination of relationship with both my therapists. 

It is the hardest thing I have done. 

Cherry, as I have mentioned before, is no longer seeing patients in a month. 

But our relationship ended sooner.

And abruptly.

My new job starts next week. I found out last weekend. 

It came as a shock to me but especially because, as everything else in my life, all ends abruptly. I do not get my peaceful goodbyes. I do not get my chance to come to terms with the ends. It just ends.

And it all ended at once.

And I am left coping with this loss on my own.

Scariest shit ever.

Cherry is working hard to find me a new therapist. 

But I get to sit in limbo with no support system as I start my new job.

Yes this is a positive change and already things are going better. I am able to push myself in agoraphobic challenges. I am starting to resume eating again.

The anxiety is down. 

But I am completely alone.

For the first time since 2013, I am all alone in this. 

Cherry has always been my biggest support and frankly my only support. And now she is gone. That relationship has been terminated. It feels like abandonment in a sense because she can no longer help me. She is literally dead to me in regards to support.

My OCD routine of 2 years: abruptly over. 

Back to not being heard. Being voiceless. Being worthless. Being invalidated. 

I am scared because what if I end up in the hospital.

Termination.

What am I supposed to do?

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3 thoughts on “Terminations

  1. You hold onto all the good people in your life, no matter how few, and lean on them until you find your next therapeutic relationship. I’m sorry that things had to end with Cherry and glad things are on the way to completely over with your old job. So exciting and terrifying but good, over all.

    Xox

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