Lost It

Oct8

I’ve lost my shit.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m anxious. I want to self harm. I want to beat the shit out of some people [in self defense]. I want to reach out to my therapists…oh wait it’s terminated. I want to scream. I want to sob hysterically. I want to not eat.

Because people are fucking selfish assholes who will fuck. You. Over.

Ya even though my work fucked up the schedule, my mother meddled and my ass is going back again. 

I’ve ducking lost it.

I can’t do this roller coaster of emotions anymore. It’s literally killing me.

No one gets it no one gives two fucks.

7 thoughts on “Lost It”

  1. Whenever you feel like this, remember that there is a new day tomorrow and you just need to get there. The worst thing you can do is hurt yourself it is not helping anything! Ask yourself the question, who am I doing this for? If you hurt yourself you let the people who are cruel, get to you. But if you get better you can sort of say fuck you, look at me now. Recovery is a mix of moving forward and having setbacks. And it sucks, but you just gotta be a bit stronger and then move forward again. People are cruel, and people can hurt you so much, but you have the ability to choose whether or not you will let them hurt you. Please don’t hurt yourself, at least because that I’m caring. And I really wouldn’t want anything to happen to you!! Stay strong hon.
    All the best!!
    – R

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  3. EVERYTHING. WILL. BE. OKAY. Breathe. Stay calm. Cry your head off until you’re drained, and then listen to music until you can change your mood, and then sleep, and then wake and be better. It will be okay.

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    • This is super helpful and I really appreciate your support!!

      PC is away in other time zones which is made this EVEN harder!

      The music usually helps. I listen pretty loudly to the point that I feel it and it alters my heartbeat with the bass but it helps a lot. So it’s almost like you know me…. Hahahah THANKS! 💕💕

      I’ve been completely avoiding it actually. Like not thinking about it and staying distracted because it will end bad. I was just thinking about it and nearly lost it again so I was trying to redirect. Tomorrow isn’t going to be good.

      Training someone.

      Ugh pardon me but fuck then and fuck that whole situation!!! No thanks or anything and just fucking with me like an insignificant item.

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        • Ok not that simple. If it was I wouldn’t be struggling with anorexia. But I have grown up in an invalidating environment and I am still living in one. And working in one. My life is one. I thought half of it was over and I could go back to positive change.

          I can’t express how horrid these people are and what they do. Like their actions and how they make my life hell. Their derogatory remarks. One of them makes antisemetic remarks to me knowing I am Jewish. Another talks to me condescendingly which is ironic because I am more educated than her and do her job for her.

          But I’ve always sucked it up because I need the insurance and money. But each “you’re fat” “why would PC be with you you’re not that pretty anymore since you are fat” “Jews don’t know anything that’s why you’re in your position [PS our surgeons above her are mainly Jewish]….well those are just some verbal assaults. There are the physical, isolations, blockings, telling people to not talk to me, and threatening to report me even though they don’t do their job. All the while I’m afraid a patient is going to be seriously harmed or die. It’s so petty.

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  4. You’re right, it’s not simple at all. It’s incredibly complicated, and it sounds like an extremely toxic environment. If you never need someone to talk to, let me know, and I’ll do my best. But remember that you are beautiful. No one has any business calling you fat, no matter your weight. And only inwardly ugly people see people in that way.

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