Please Don’t Make Me

Go to sleep.

because then i wake up and i have to

Go back to that place… to that hell. To the place where I cannot survive.

i do not know what i will do. last weekend i threw up a lot. this time in theory i should do nothing while the trainee does it all. but it never goes like that. it is always me having to

Deal with the hostile work environment–the bullying, the harassment, the never good enough comments, the looks, the slander, the libel, the isolation.

it already blows knowing i am not getting a thank you from my managers or coworkers. there will not be a potluck, appreciation meal, gratitude of any form. i will not receive any going away gifts or cards. i organize them for everyone else’s but no consideration for me. now i am forced to

Face these fears-come-blatantly-true [even if false lies due to the hostility].

i just cannot handle that external cue, again, after thinking it was over, again and survive. it is too much.

i am not good enough. i will never be good enough–for them.

they bullied and harassed me because i was too good. never thanked for all the loads i have carried; the lives i have saved, the calm under pressure.

because i am not good enough and never will be.

i never got the appreciation potlucks and presents from staff. nor the holiday ones either. how do you think that felt?

i am begging you.

Please do not make me.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Please Don’t Make Me

  1. Your situation sounds awful.. I hate feeling unappreciated when I feel I have done so much. I’m not really sure where you’re leaving or who it is you’re leaving, but I would say, good riddance. You have done so much, it seems, and they have just thrown it back in your face. You don’t deserve people like that in your life. I hope this weekend is better for you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m going to leave a job of 8 years. Truly unappreciated. Like only backhanded compliments. Listening to everyone shit talk the people on my direct level but then they turn around and give them expensive gifts of alcohol, game tickets, jewelry, etc because “they are minorities and everyone feels bad that this is where they will end up since they don’t want more than a high school diploma” and everyone else has higher expectations of me and assumes because I’m Caucasian looking [im multiracial] that everything comes easily for me. I’ve worked my ass off and for nothing clearly.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you feel this way. They haven’t won, if you feel this way, it is a very great decision to leave! Always respect yourself, and try not to use a lot og bad energy, and it sounds like you have been using a lot of bad energy on this. If you choose the best choice for yourself, you win. And then fuck them. Stay strong and good luck!
    – R

    Liked by 1 person

    • They sucked out all my good energy. They stole my happy and bubbly self. Even my boyfriend saw it drain away. It’s weird. and when I thought I was done the first time, everything became so happy and I was relieved! And then it all crashed down again so quickly when I found out I had to work yesterday.

      Ruined a lot of things. It was supposed to be my zen time to prepare mentally for the new job and full week. And I had to skip a personally zen trip for this. Place just had to drag me down one last time.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like not having the goodbye meal or party etc is the real gift; you don’t need more time with them. They don’t deserve to have you. You ARE good enough. Don’t allow negative, spiteful people to become evident to the contrary. They aren’t worth that brain space xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello Love,

    Being under-appreciated is a terrible feeling. People don’t understand just how much gratitude plays in our everyday lives and how much it can affect our happiness. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this but I think this is the beginning of something great 🙂

    Love,
    K

    Liked by 1 person

Tell Me What You Think

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s