To Post Or Not

I’ve been struggling with whither or not to do this post. Mainly because my past few I feel shows I’m feeling more confident and recovered. Or maybe I need to convey that I am.

Fake it till you make it?

PC is on another continent; in the other time zone.

After first I was really upset. But between the whole return of anorexic hell [manstruation {yes Immunity I, too name things after men that cause me pain}], coping with the time change for jobs, coping with the seasonal changes [I am still convinced I have seasonal affective disorder to a degree], and getting over my latest gastroenteritis I have actually enjoyed him being gone.

Our time differences has allowed me to focus more on me and I do not feel selfish for it.

And I have noticed that I have lost weight.

😀   <—–big grin

So I set a new goal for myself: lose so much weight that PC cannot help but notice and comment when he seems me after his lengthy trip.

Perfect! I have the time. I will have the energy. What can go wrong?

PC told me yesterday he thought he might come home early.

Ed’s voice demonstrated that I clearly do not have the reins.

I was actually disappointed.

Sure I’m horny as hell. I need sex. But him coming home earlier than planned is less time for me to lose the weight. And that just freaks me out. That is not what I planned; what Ed’s voice has been whispering to me as plans.

And I feel like a raging selfish bitch. Like I’m 19 again.

All emotional attachment turned off. Fuck to fuck. Sex is raw. Escape coming in many unhealthy forms.

I don’t want to go back to that shadow of me again.

Which is why I was so tempted to not post. But then I remembered: Cassie, the whole point of this blog is for insight into the struggles you experience. Hiding them is not showing transparency or how hard it is. That is what won out.

I know it comes off as shallow but I don’t know how to explain to you that my desire to be thin overrides everything else.

I love PC and of course I want to see him and have him home! But to have him wait and come back and see me thinner? Now that’s a pleasure that Ed’s voice and I agree on. Like orgasmic pleasure.

I want my readers to see inside my head. This week, that has been my other struggle.

Besides being sick and missing work and feeling worlds guilty, I have been obsessed with weight loss again. Just trying to get the energy back to push it further.

I am horrible at taking my own advice. I know what I should be doing. I know all the interventions!! Just cannot fight it on my own. And not sure I want to sometimes. Especially if it means I can be a size Large again instead of XL.

Yes very very gross.

2 thoughts on “To Post Or Not

  1. I have trouble relating to the desire to be thin, because I have almost the opposite problem… although I know junk food is unhealthy for me, I can’t turn away from it! I can eat a thousand snack-sized Kit-Kats in one sitting because at the moment I just want to somehow BE the Kit-Kats! It is always hard to take your own advice. I hope writing about it here is helpful for you in sorting out your feelings!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It isn’t shallow; it’s illness. The feeling of wanting to be thinner for people to notice can temporarily be the most important thing. But deep down it never is for long. The real things, like people and health and happiness, are what matter. That “thinner for___” is a train of a thought I can never cut off. Partly because you can never satisfy it, so the greatness that would be achieving it grows in your mind xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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