Today I just wanted, and needed, to sleep most of the day away.

But I had plans to see Erin for brunch.

I woke up, bitter because I woke up. I had a hard time sleeping–turns out intuition was on high and knew that PC was going to message me at 0230. So I just kept reading and low and behold he did. We texted for about half an hour until I knew I had to go to sleep because I had to get up.

I was anxious about eating today. Ed’s voice has been working pretty hard lately. I still want to lose weight before PC gets back. Something is making me anxious and I can’t put my finger on it yet [is it still the loss of Cherry and lack of support?].

We met at a buffet chain that basically focuses on salads and carbs. I had salad, which is huge for me since I just started re eating salad only a few months ago–it was removed from my safe foods list after getting severely sick from it in college [they gave us rotten salad]. In a nutshell, anything that makes Cassie vomit immediately goes on the never to be eaten again list.

I digress.

So I was freaked out. Tired. Still sensitive stomach to a degree. Still sensitive uterus [that bitch]. Just more acutely aware of that area.

And while I ate less than Erin and way less than I usually do, I can’t help but walk away feeling like I ate the entire buffet. Pretty agitated.

Erin and I did get to talk and she is going to join my gym. With no Cherry telling me no + Ed’s voice getting louder + increase need to lose weight, Cassie is going to break her medically frozen membership.

Erin and I will be buddies. So at least I am still stuck with that. And PC wants to go with me as well.

This means I could get 3 days of 5k runs in and 3-4 days of gym. And when I gym, I always end witj deep stretching. I’m pumped and so is Ed’s voice. Like ecstatic.

I can’t wait to unfreeze!!

I’m also ecstatic to be able to see Erin more now with my new work schedule!! First time since I’ve known her! Sooo many things we will do!!

On my way home I swung by an office supply store and did what I was supposed to do months ago–pick up my food behaviors log notebook. I also picked up one for my gym log. I want to track it all. Patterns are indicative of a lot. Especially in me who suffers from purge behaviors of excessive exercise.

And of course I got a million other things!! Some more stuff for work. Mini on sale backpacks for my cousin’s daughters. Binder rings for my DBT crisis notecard project [separate post]. Pens for my letters to PC/addressing holiday cards. Badgyr’s journals. Mini binders to put cards I want to keep–a separate project.

I came home and tried to take a nap but PC text chatted. Stupid time difference. Stupid he is stressed out so I have to support him even though I’m agitated how I’m sacrificing my sleep to be available to him but not vice versa.

Then I was like ok time for forced dinner because I need to eat. That just felt gross. Wanted to skip.

I worked on several projects and that felt great to get those done! I finished my Rolodex. I made my Food Behaviors Log. I made my Gym Log. I even painted my nails.

Feels good to get that all done.

Tomorrow is a long day.

So I’ve been productive but I’m not sure if it’s mania or actual my life getting back on track.

The end result was things were crossed off my list. So I am going with productive. 😛


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