I’ve been surprisingly ok with PC being gone in another country. This time has ticked away.
The urges to and compulsions to lose a significant amount of weight before he returns have quieted down a bit.
That said I was a total fat ass the past two days and have eaten a ton of Halloween candy. Another post.
Anyways, I think I have been okay with this space because it allowed me to focus on me. The job change has been stressful in the sense that I need to be perfect; I must prove I can learn quickly and am the perfect employee. I’m anorexic and, apparently as much as I want to deny it, anorexics typically have type A personalities.
So I have been able to be selfish and not feel guilty about it. I can come home and do nothing. I sleep in my own bed. I pretty much am still sleeping a lot. This is me still adjusting to my schedule. I knew this would happen so this is not a shock for me.
I am less and less tired as the days pass so I am adjusting well. But I credit it to not having to put physical energy into my relationship. It’s almost like fate gave me this small reprieve.
I’m not having to tell PC no and turn down dates and overnights. We text each day so there is no need to have to be immediately available. The time change, for once, has been in my favor.
I have definitely learned that I really love him and enjoy having him in my life. He is my partner. We left on somewhat rocky terms–we had a pretty big [i thought fight but clearly disagreement because it’s insignificant now] disagreement.
Which brings me to the whole point of this post.
I’ve been so fine with him gone, that I never realized how much I would crack today when he sent me a message saying “Happy Anniversary in my country.”
Tomorrow is our American anniversary. A big landmark one for me; one where I sit back and evaluate whether or not I stay in this relationship or not. [he knows it, too].
There is no question for me. And I know he is all in, too.
I told him earlier this week I wanted to write a letter to his parents introducing myself because I’m not going to wait any longer–it reminds me of my ex and why we failed. PC feels he should never intro a girlfriend to his parents until after one year. Oh hell. No. I told him at that mark, at this point in my lifetime, we know whether or not we are going to get married or not. Or end it. I’m not wasting my time again. I know what I want.
So when I told him my idea about the letter this time, he did not fight me. A big step for us.
I knew he would not be here for our anniversary. We would celebrate after.
But I can’t stop being teary eyed. I’ve missed him yes. But now I miss him so much. His face [only been able to FaceTime once and no real pictures due to the security of his location]. His touch. His hugs. Obvi the sex. His smell. Just being around him.
A big hallmark anniversary and our first Halloween and he is missing it.
I have to be strong because I know he is so homesick. And there is a lot of job pressures and stressors. and he was so strong for me when I wanted to die and had relapsed because of my toxic job not even 5 weeks ago.
But it’s hard for me to be strong when my partner is so far away and all we can do is text. I feel abandoned but it’s not his fault it’s his boss’s.