Archive | November 2015

Self Discovery Challenge: Part Trois

Questions 21-30

  
 

21. My bad habits… Haaaa well anorexia is one. Self deprecating is another but it’s not in front of others. Not being able to rely on myself for cues. My anxiety. My panic. My cuticle biting. My lip biting/picking when stressed//anxious. Shutting down. Feeling fat always. Not showering when I’m really stressed out. Well let’s stop there.

22. That I haven’t been? More places in Canada. Europe. Every Disneyland. New Zealand. Australia. Polynesian islands. Thailand to see the Buddhist temples. Mayan temples in South America. France. Amsterdam. I really really want to do the concentration camp tour. 

23. Hahahahahaha obvi!!! Yes. Hence the anonymous blog?! But seriously, sooo many people have edged me over in my life I have learned to rely on no one but myself. 

24. Sleeping. It’s escaping my life and the anorexia.

25. What body part? Uhhhh all of it?!?! But seriously my stomach, thighs, butt, arms, calves, cankles, gobble chin, face, lack of back dimples, spinal column and joints for the pain. Skin and scalp for the eczema.

26. Hit the alarm because I’m still adjusting. Then check email. Then pray for the heat deities. Then run//drunk walk to the bathroom to pee and take am meds.

27. I wish I was tanner//bronzer. I used to be much tanner but fluorescent bulbs have not been too kind to me.

28. PC and my bffls.

29. Almost every single one of them. Morons.

30. I used to say hands down no hesitation yes. But now I’m so scared that I’m not sure. I don’t believe in divorce for myself because it’s not the solution for me or an escape. We will work our shit out unless he cheats or beats. But PC feels like the one. And that scares me so now I’m all hesitant because before him I was pretty convinced I would die alone.

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Self Discovery Challenge: Part Deux

Questions 11-20.

  

11. Kk can’t wait to see you then. It is in reference to gym date with Erin this week. We are finally starting our gym sessions.

12. Woaaaaaaah. That is one topic I do not discuss with people. Someone always gets offended and it is not necessary on here. Sex? Let’s get dirty. Drugs? Sure we can talk about that [you or my opnion]. Alcohol? Cussing? Premarital sex? Religion? Abuse? All are fair games. 

13. You know I never had an issue with big crowds until my most recent major relapse. I fake it till I make it but now it’s so hard for me to do. I hosted large corporate parties. I give lectures. I teach. Never an issue. But I never ever EVER can walk into a building [or out actually] first. Always been that way.

14. Yes I do. I am very unlucky. But I have seen luck happen to others. I have had miracles happen to me. Shit it’s a miracle I’m still alive!! Anorexia should have killed me several times by now. So should have the car accident. I’ve also seen the miracle of a dying person who needs an organ to survive and gets it at the last possible minute. 

15. This summer I went on an amazing trip with two of my best friends to Las Vegas. Where mini birthday miracles happened. ;] I was able to have fun amidst the toxicity of my job and home life. I also learned whom to prioritize in my life.

16. Yes yes a thousand times yes! I look forward to kissing him again very soon!!

17. Sure there is life on other planets. I’m not saying humans, but microorganisms at least. If we are able to exist I do not see why it is so improbable for life anywhere else.

18. I think my first crush was a celebrity so we never talked. But my first crush in person? Noooo but we are Facebook friends. Small world. It means nothing though. And I was convinced I had a crush because I drank Orange Crush soda and decided I had an epiphany <—psychosis in elementary school r/t anorexia nervous and yet everyone still denied it!

19. Bubble baths… Hmmmm… PC loves them. I guess I’m not a fan because the water does not stay hot! I love hot tubs!! 

20. Heeheeheee my neighbors. Wow. Ummm. One set I absolutely adore they have been amazing! Another I have a confession about–I have possibly had sex dreams about him. Thankfully he is verrrry new. The another set the family is selfish and I’m convinced the teen son is doing drugs: I busted a drug drop by another scrawny teen. My hood ass threatened and then called the cops yet the cops didn’t even care!! Then 3 months later the dealer shows up at the house and breaks in puts the kid at gun point and escapes through our yard. That’s when they cared. Punk ass bitch. Take that shit somewhere else!! This is not the hood for drops!! Another neighbor set is loud and disrespectful playing music until 2am and trying to set our house on fire. Generally speaking the renters are very disrespectful because they dgaf. Gah. This area is too wealthy for that crap.

Ed, Edie, & Cassie Challenge: Part 1

This challenge will be an interesting one as my answers are now shaped by myself, Ed, and Edie. Let’s see if there is any difference!

Self Discovery Challenge: 1-10

1.  The last person I held hands with was PC. And I miss him. I do not receive much intimacy anymore–not since high school–and I miss it. The hugs, linked arms, hand holding. I need that touch.

2. I am loud, outgoing, and shy. The shyness recently came about with my anxiety exacerbations. When my agoraphobia is in high gear I’m stupid shy it angers me. Ed forces the shyness while Cassie is remembering how I’m loud and outgoing and have never been bothered before. I hate the change.

3. I am looking forward to seeing PC!! My man comes back to me for basically two weeks before he leaves me…again!! But we have our own vacation coming up.

4. I am very easy to get along with! The people who don’t are the ones who are jealous and/or intimidated. It is from their own insecurities that no matter what I do, they will not change. People hate those who are friendly and kind.

5. Unfortunately yes. My asshole long term exboyfriend. I gave up on him and ended it as it was going nowhere. Then I got into a program and wanted consistent sex, comfort of the known, and as horrible as this is, a place to escape to and someone I could manipulate in a way. He was in love with me but not enough to stand up to his antisemetic mother. There is a lot more to this that a simple question cannot cover. If enough demand, I’ll discuss my cheating exboyfriend.

6. Yes he would. I don’t think he would know what to do but I would tell him what I need and he would do it. I do not get drunk around people unless I feel safe and can trust them.

7. Yes. I would like to think PC and I will be good!! We feel solid and I love him so much!! I always have my adoring fans if needed. But I want PC. He’s my boo.

8. Now it is PC, my friends in Vegas, and an ex after these past questions… Come on!!

9. Nope! I love talking about it. I’ve researched STDs and protection/barrier methods. I worked in Public Health focusing on sex, STDs, and birth control methods. I enjoy it immensely and hate that it’s sooo taboo for women and not men. I’m comfortable with it and because of that all around me end up being so, too.

10. Last deep conversation… Maybe my dad? Or my mom’s coworker at thanksgiving? PC has been so off with time changes we just text which blows. I am for deep convos whenever I can with people if it feels right. 

The rest is to be continued…

Challenge Accepted!

I am excited to share that I have found a bunch of awesome list challenges that I will begin! Of course my impulse is to do them all and do them all right now

But I will pace them out. I found some fun ones [movies, music, etc.] as well as self discovery ones. 

As usual, I invite any and every person to participate to the degree of comfort that helps them grow as a person. :]

I am saddened that up until about two months ago my feed was filled with new posts frequently and right now it is dead. I’m not sure where everyone went. :/

I will try and inspire because I am fighting here and I am hoping this will motivate me to stay on track! I have strong compulsions to complete what I start so this will get my butt to blog but then hopefully blog it out and be honest about all my struggles.

I really need to stop shutting down.

Just A Lot

In such a short period of time, a lot has happened. And as usual it is a lot to process. So I am just going to bullet point it. Because the anxiety just wants me to shut down and I need to stop doing that.

  • US Thanksgiving: my anorexia is just haywire and Ed and Edie’s voices are going nuts.
  • Pressure during said meal about my relationship with PC and marriage. Ya that freaked me out.
  • PC gave my letter to his parents.
  • Hi parents emailed a nice email. And it’s been overwhelming because my ex of 5 years, his mom was antisemetic and refused to make effort with me.
  • PC’s parents then sent me pictures today from Thanksgiving. They are really making an effort and I feel so touched and overwhelmed. It’s what I have always dreamed of.
  • My aunt causing drama. Inviting and disinviting us. I’m just so over it.
  • I got my pet shrimpies!! ❤
  • Crowds everywhere today have me on high anxiety alert and agoraphobia.
  • It is below freezing here!!! Not even 3 weeks ago it was in the 90s!!! A few days ago it was in the 60s!! It hurts my joints and my eczema is disgusting right now!
  • Got my haircut but it’s not what I want. 
  • Feeling extremely fat right this minute and all day today.
  • Bought a present [quality] for my parents. My mom was a total fucking bitch about it saying she doesn’t want it that I should take it back and return it. I’ve been thinking about this for an entire year. I saved up for it. Just dismisses it. If I don’t buy her something I’m a bitch. I buy her something I’m a bitch. It just really fucking hurt I can’t handle it.
  • Booked a romantic getaway for PC and I this week. And the one night we go? The one night it is supposed to rain. BUT I am still excited for is time.
  • Work was weird—closed for a holiday and all I’ve ever done is work holidays. Weird adjustment.
  • Coworkers throwing me under the bus [trying to] and just so over the drama.
  • A lot of self harm “callings”–feel my wrists begging to be cut [never have] and my under arms and thighs begging for their punishment.
  • Physically getting exhausted again.
  • Holiday party season picking up and just feeling huge and not thin enough for pictures or pretty outfits.
  • Need to do something drastic.

Ok so that is basically my bullet points for now. A lot going on. PC came home and in less than 20 hours was gone again. That was last weekend. Missing him and getting too used to it. 

Hopefully will get more energy to get back on my Tuesday list challenges and stuff. I hate that my patterns are gone. Still rebuilding myself still. The new job change really got me.

Still holding on even if barely.

Ed & Edie

I just finished a book yesterday. I found some quotes in it that really stuck out as Ed’s voice as well as Edie’s voice.

So here they are: struggles in quotes. In pictures.