Calling It a Night

I am not having a good week. At all. 

I thought my luck had turned. 

I fucking deserve goodness.

Why can’t I just have some?

It started earlier this week with Erin being in a car accident. And ever since I have had this impending doom that I am next.

Then last night I realized that my credit card was stolen. Fucking fabulous.

Where, pray tell, did I discover this? 

Oh checking out groceries.

Just fantastic.

I had a full on panic attack. I called PC during said panic attack where I was forwarded straight to voicemail. Left him a pleasant panic ridden message about how it is his girlfriend and he needs to call me back because I was freaking the fuck out because I can’t find my credit card.

We talk during my panic attack and now he gets to see the other side of my panic attacks: the anger self defensive one. He has already seen the crying self harm one. See this one is the I have been violated one so I’m angry. A cultivated response from a life of neglect, invalidation, and not being heard.

Let’s add a dash of work is kicking my ass because it is just really busy.

And a pinch of PC cancelling our plans tonight because he is jetlagged. [this one is neutral–I’ll get more sleep].

Well PC calls me today even after knowing I had a ripe shit day yesterday and proceeds to tell me that for some weird reason when he gave his old phone to his parents my one voice message forwarded to that phone. So they heard it. He didn’t. But his mother mentioned there was a lot of cussing.

Guess who lost her sprinkles? This crazy having a shit week bitch. Right here.

Supposedly he placated the situation.

All I want is for a great first impression and he keeps pushing it off. Then this happens. So I lose it.

BUT WAIT


Then he tells me how I need to change me. And insert more rambling. And insert more commentary. Because all I really heard inside my head is: yup, Cassie will never have a relationship and I am not good enough. Then he said something about us being a better team. And I lost it and bawled. On the phone.

Obviously there is more to this story. Obviously, if you have read a few of my posts you know me well enough to know I said something… Including the “this makes me want to sabotage what is left of this” shpiel. And the honest “clearly I am not good enough” shpiel which led to him being upset because he was saying it is just a road bump we are going over.

And he was upset I cried and went on about how I’m everything he has looked for and I’m perfect blah blah who gives a fuck because Ed’s voice heard what was needed for self destruction.

So he has texted me twice. Called me again to remind me that he loves me a lot and cannot wait to see me tomorrow. I’m still numb from crying. Urges to self harm are high. I stopped my dinner.

I’m in bed and going to sleep.

Fuck the world. I am not having a good week. I am done.

Before I do serious irreparable damage.

Like flirt text with the guy who is crushing me but I know is all wrong for me. Makes it feel better to ruin my life because I deserve it.

Yupskidoodle. I am calling it a night.

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4 thoughts on “Calling It a Night

  1. I”m so sorry for all the stress you’re having. I am definitely prone to panic attacks too, especially when things like that happen… sorry your partner wasn’t there for you in the right way- I feel like love can be so hard when you have panic/depression issues, like I kind of require a very specific sort of love/response from my boyfriend, or else everything gets so much worse than if I was just alone. I hope things get better for you…

    Liked by 1 person

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