I am pretty much angry with and mad at myself for not having posted as much as normal lately. It has been way too long.
And angry that during a great time of struggle and battles to demonstrate said struggles I was not doing so. I failed my mission of my blog.
But part of it comes from this actual community.
My lack of therapy team and going from full on support team to no support at all during my most critical transition and crisis time has been beyond difficult. Since October I have been beyond struggling and sinking.
Eating disorder was abundant. Self harm urges at the brim. Compulsions overflowing. OCD no longer behaviors but actual habits again.
The change was so sudden, drastic, and intense. It has been a hard adjustment. Especially since while trying to do self care, everyone else expects me to be ready to go and fine.
I am still adjusting to my new sleep schedule. And with this stupid fucking dark st 5:30pm crap it is even harder. My visual cues are so jacked.
And PC came back from far travels to leave me again. Another two weeks.
Let me recount again why I’m so angry and have been basically triggered into self comparison and anxiety type A ness:
- My boyfriend in the past 5 weeks has been here 2. And over worked during them. Is now going back for 2 more.
- My sleep schedule is all off.
- A lot of change with new job.
- Went from 24 hours on weekends to 40 hours during week. For work.
- Shifts have me driving during peak traffic time.
- I have panic attacks driving everyday.
- I feel like I’m not good enough in my current role.
- Constantly comparing myself.
- While eating, I noticed I’ve slipped all of a sudden into avoidance of meals and barely shakes.
- Social pressure and demands to make others happy and forgo my needs.
- Have other people supposed to see now that I’m on a “normal work schedule” and immediately even though I’m exhausted still. And they never made time when I was available before.
- Feel like I’m behind on my life tasks
- Had my credit card stolen. Felt extremely violated. Still dealing with that.
- Tonsil stones are back.
- Pretty sure I’m gaining weight.
- Erin met PC, then right after was in a major car accident.
- Coworker treats me like an idiot because I remind her of her daughter. Talks down to me. I cried and ended up pinching and scratching inside of my arm [self harm].
- Losing it because no hope in sight for new therapist
- Anorexia is winning
- I see other bloggers on here surviving and beating anorexia and yet I’m still stuck. So I’ve been mad and angry.
- Volunteer place has way too much drama … So much so I dread going to it now. I broke up an altercation between parents the other week. Ridiculous!!! I’ve got my own shit! And then told by my charge I handled it “ok”?!?! Eff that shit. So tired of lack of respect and acknowledging my abilities.
I just need validation.
With PC gone, I am hoping to get back to my blogging again. It is cathartic, even if people do not really read or respond.
I have more lists to soothe my OCD. I have some song lyrics to post. Some more DBT skills. Some pictures I found on Pinterest.
I hate and love this season.
So tired. So overwhelmed. So struggling. I just want Cherry back.
I need to do something drastic. Thinking of dying half my hair. Like underside of my hair a deep purple red or a reddish brown. Or going back to blonde with dark brown under. Or perming with a style that looks like loose waves of corkscrew pasta. I’m desperate. I feel the self loathing.