I’ve been having the weirdest sensation lately: two Ed’s voices.
I have my usual Ed’s voice reminding I’m fat and not to eat. That starving feels better. How great thin tastes blah blah blah.
And right now I have a sprouted counter Ed’s voice. Bear with me on this one.
I’d like to introduce you.
This voice, Edie’s voice, still has the same ulterior motive: lose weight. The same intensity and obsession. The food thoughts.
Unlike Ed’s voice, Edie’s voice recognizes that I have been losing weight and it is because I have been eating. So Edie pushes me to keep eating strictly to lose weight no other purpose. The obsession still lies on fat fears.
So there is
- Me. My rationale of eat and eat healthy. I need to eat to lose weight appropriately because my body needs nutrition. That weight gain indicates that I’ve been starving. I need to be wise minded and fight anorexia.
- Ed’s voice. Fear of being fat. Fear of food. Severely irrational. Compulsions to rid body of fat even through means of cutting/scratching/grabbing. Need to escape. Feelings of worthlessness and not deserving of food and pleasure. Starving is comfortable and the only way.
- Edie’s voice. Fear of being fat. Compulsion to lose weight. Not satisfied. Uncomfortable eating but desire to be thin and knowledge that eating leads to weight loss wins over and overpowers. Middle irrational–eating but for all the wrong reasons. Still thought obsessed with weight and appearances. Still feeling unworthy.
This is now my head: a three way pull. Sometimes I feel like I’m battling schizophrenia inside my head. Sometimes I’m losing the way.
Ok I’ve lost the way let’s be honest.
I still get ecstatic when PC is gone because I perceive that I am thinner and lose more weight when he is away. So irrational.
I know, rationally, I have lost weight. But there is so much to go. And I have Ed and Edie fighting for control.
Because that is not stressing.
And Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And there is that pull again.
It stresses me out so much it makes me physically exhausted!
I just want Cherry.