Just A Lot

In such a short period of time, a lot has happened. And as usual it is a lot to process. So I am just going to bullet point it. Because the anxiety just wants me to shut down and I need to stop doing that.

  • US Thanksgiving: my anorexia is just haywire and Ed and Edie’s voices are going nuts.
  • Pressure during said meal about my relationship with PC and marriage. Ya that freaked me out.
  • PC gave my letter to his parents.
  • Hi parents emailed a nice email. And it’s been overwhelming because my ex of 5 years, his mom was antisemetic and refused to make effort with me.
  • PC’s parents then sent me pictures today from Thanksgiving. They are really making an effort and I feel so touched and overwhelmed. It’s what I have always dreamed of.
  • My aunt causing drama. Inviting and disinviting us. I’m just so over it.
  • I got my pet shrimpies!! ❤
  • Crowds everywhere today have me on high anxiety alert and agoraphobia.
  • It is below freezing here!!! Not even 3 weeks ago it was in the 90s!!! A few days ago it was in the 60s!! It hurts my joints and my eczema is disgusting right now!
  • Got my haircut but it’s not what I want. 
  • Feeling extremely fat right this minute and all day today.
  • Bought a present [quality] for my parents. My mom was a total fucking bitch about it saying she doesn’t want it that I should take it back and return it. I’ve been thinking about this for an entire year. I saved up for it. Just dismisses it. If I don’t buy her something I’m a bitch. I buy her something I’m a bitch. It just really fucking hurt I can’t handle it.
  • Booked a romantic getaway for PC and I this week. And the one night we go? The one night it is supposed to rain. BUT I am still excited for is time.
  • Work was weird—closed for a holiday and all I’ve ever done is work holidays. Weird adjustment.
  • Coworkers throwing me under the bus [trying to] and just so over the drama.
  • A lot of self harm “callings”–feel my wrists begging to be cut [never have] and my under arms and thighs begging for their punishment.
  • Physically getting exhausted again.
  • Holiday party season picking up and just feeling huge and not thin enough for pictures or pretty outfits.
  • Need to do something drastic.

Ok so that is basically my bullet points for now. A lot going on. PC came home and in less than 20 hours was gone again. That was last weekend. Missing him and getting too used to it. 

Hopefully will get more energy to get back on my Tuesday list challenges and stuff. I hate that my patterns are gone. Still rebuilding myself still. The new job change really got me.

Still holding on even if barely.


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