Archive | December 2015

How Can You Tell?

**Trigger Warning: content can be considered triggering for those with eating disorders. Proceed accordingly.**

How can you tell when you are relapsing again? 

I remember when I was so hateful of food that I wanted it but did not at the same time–so I would chew it and spit it out. I was guilt ridden for wasting food. But the thought of swallowing has terrifying.

I knew I was a lost cause then, but I barely remember the descent to that place.

How can you tell?

How do you know when it all starts happening again? Usually I can. But Ed’s voice can be so silvery and smooth that I do not even notice the switch in control.

Between Ed, Edie, and myself all fighting for control, I have no clue who holds the reins anymore.

How can you tell when you have slipped?

It is so scary. I think I have.

I cannot exercise thanks to my injuries. I am going insane. I need to work out. 

I have found myself barely eating and barely drinking water. 

It all escalated around my anaphylactic reaction. I was convinced the hairs in my water were effecting my throat. Turns out my throat was swelling shut from the medication. Now I am plain afraid to drink.

Work days I pretty much get two shakes in, two packets of oatmeal with peanut butter, and two glasses of water. That’s it.

I manage to talk myself out of dinner; I get overwhelmed by options. I’m too tired. I’m too stressed. Not hungry. Always an excuse.

How can you tell sickness and stress from Ed? Sooo intertwined. One causes the other.
I catch myself thinking, “Woah. Cassie you should stop restricting and eat more!!” I am still convinced I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. And this time of year is always the worst. There is food everywhere. It makes me think I have eaten and feel full.

I keep obsessing over my body and how fat I am. That has definitely come back strong. I keep looking at my collarbones and shoulders while grabbing the fat on my thighs. I really hate this time of year. And shopping isn’t making me feel better.

I can’t do anything to stop the thoughts and shut up Ed’s voice. Or even Edie’s.
It came to my attention that I have a problem again when I was at dinner on Christmas Eve. My parents asked me if I wanted more food; why wasn’t I hungrier. Why was I not drinking more or having more bread. I only had a small portion of ravioli. I did not even realize how much Ed and Edie were running the show.

How do you know you have lost the control before you have? 

My parents looked so concerned. 


But more so when they wanted me to eat Christmas dinner with them and I had a small bowl of scalloped potatoes. I felt like a total fat ass because we had food ordered for lunch. It felt so fattening I wanted it to be my one meal of the day. After I wanted to cry.

Honestly it was not that bad but I was losing it!! How did I not notice I had slipped back to this point? Such a bad habit and I was back at it. Old habits die hard.

How do you know?!?!

I’m physically exhausted again. Stressed out. Work is …..

Today I watched a new show called Dance Academy. Probably shouldn’t have because I think it’s triggering for me. How do I know? I can’t stop watching. I’m picking PC up in a few hours and need sleep but can’t stop watching.

I got angry. One chick doesn’t eat for a week and passes out. Pffff whatever–bitch is weak sauce. I didn’t eat for 3 months. I was faint and shit but I don’t think I actually passed out!! Makes me want to say I’m a real anorexic and she’s a fake. Her therapy was a joke. 

And now I want to train so hardcore. 

I want to dance.

No. I need to dance. 

Alas, I am saving up money and am fearful of driving in El Niño rains. I choose life thank you.

I think I need help. 

But idk what to do with my phone appointment with my doctor this week; I am still so angry with her for blowing off my medical issues. And allowing 4 weeks to pass instead of the 2 weeks she wanted. 

I’m not sure if I should tell her. I don’t want to end up in residential. 

I need Cherry.

How do you know.

Struggles are Real

And everywhere.
I hate this time of year so much. 
It’s getting to be too overwhelming and I feel myself shutting down.
I’m surrounded by food.
I have a coworker who is a negative persona and I want to tell off. 
Feeling the urges to vomit and cut…both things I’ve never nor could do; just feel strongly.
It all just makes me more tired.
I need like a full week off to just recover. But alas not a possibility. Feel like I can’t do anything right currently. Gah.
And new underwear arrived. Have to see if it fits and if the new cut works since my original underwear cut is no longer made. 
Because my enormous feelings of fat right now just weren’t unbearable enough on their own…

Pissed Off

With myself. With my doctor.

I have come to realize that I have been having an allergic reaction [and a severe one] to a topical medication prescribed for my painful parts post fall. This has included first migraine, flu like syndrome, photophobia [goes with the migraine], severe redness in one eye, severe eye pain in same eye, throat swelling, hoarseness, chest tightness, shortness of breath.

When I reported this to my doctor, as well as the fact that I had to hit my emergency drug –Benadryl– last night, they just brushed me off. I told them it scared me and I could t go to work because I was so drowsy from the Benadryl. 

And yet they tell me they think it’s just a respiratory virus?

No. Whenever your patient tells you something is wrong, it is.

I know my arm is a hairline fracture on my humerus. I also fractured my ankle. But they keep brushing it off. So I just keep it to myself. Suffer alone.

I tell them I had severe adverse effects of a medication that states I need to report immediately and they say it’s nothing? I know my body. Too well. Fuck. 

I’m already so angry with my body right now I want to self harm it. I’ve been nothing but hurt and sick for several months and I cannot deal anymore. I want to fight it back. It’s its own entity–me vs my body. 

I’m physically exhausted. I’m relapsing into not eating bc I’m so tired. 

I am asking for help. Me. Cassie. Asking for help.

Just to be basically told I’m being dramatic or a hypochondriac. 

This is why I don’t ask for help. This is why I don’t seek medical attention. What good does it do?


I still hurt. And have arm weakness. Pretty sure I fractured my ankle. Am allergic to the med for the pain. Was a rough week because it all just crumbled around me.

And I’m feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Find myself easily restricting and not noticing again.

hating my life in all of those senses.

Self Discovery Challenge: Part Quatre

Questions 31-40.

31. Yes it is. I am actually growing it out right now but we will see how long it gets because my hair does not like to be long. It starts to be dried and gross on the ends and greasy at the roots. No matter what.

32. I’m not sure since after having had a threesome before I checked it off my list. I learned that there’s going to be drama and I’m selfish sexually–I am not going to sit there and watch. Nope!

33. Fw
34. Um currently? Not exactly. Training and hoping to get back into dance–a whole other post because of the anxiety with El Niño.

35. Without tv. I actually go on kicks without it for days, even weeks. But I need music everyday.

36. Yes. Not just as a kid but even more recently. I wasn’t sure if he was interested and we worked together. This was pre PC. 

37. Hahaha awkwaaaard. It depends on if I know them or not and what is causing the awkward silence… Like serious tension or anger.

38. Yes and no it depends on the people. Generally speaking, men older is better due to their maturity levels. And from my personal experience I do better with someone who knows what they want and here in this area these boys don’t know till their 40s apparently. I lucked out!!

39. Ooo art supply stores like Michaels, Target, used bookstores, Amazon, one stop shops, Ulta, Poshmark, places with a deal… Hahaha

40. Uh I’m beyond high school?

Damage Done

I’m on a vacation with PC. It was been romantic. It has been intimate. The trip will be outlined in another post later. Right now I am posting a quickie one the damage I did today.

I had hoped to come back from vacation with some crazy injury from sex. Like stories I have heard: rugburns, sprains, strains, limps, shit even a fracture!

Well I think I obtained the last one. And it wasn’t even cute!!! So it also came with an additional hurt: my pride.

I, Cassie, was getting into the shower [shower/bathtub] this morning after an awesome intimate experience of a couple’s massage [and PC’s first massage ever] to rinse off all the lotions. Because my OCD FREAKS out otherwise. Upon stepping in the tub for my shower–the one PC refused to take with me…yes all business–I discovered it was slippery. Like the stories I’ve seen on tv, in movies, and at work. 

I was left foot in, pressure on it swinging the right foot in when I lost it all. I remember the slipping feeling, too. So bizarre. My left foot slipped up in front. My right tried for grip but knew what was happening so braced for impact by angling out and my shin caught for brace on the tub. I think that helped prevent me from hitting my head. I swung my left arm back to grab for something but oh wait there was nothing!!! So it did a full pivot and out stretched propping me up. I do not recall a pop or snap. Having had that twice in that same shoulder [where I thought it was dislocations but turned out I fractured my clavicle both times and walked around due to high pain tolerance and parental neglect telling me I was being dramatic].

PC saw the whole thing and flipped out. I tried to do a traumatic assessment on myself all the while he was freaking. We know who the level headed one is now.

I was mortified that happened.

I felt so fat.

I still do!!

I am grateful it was only my arm and pride that’s been hurt. But pride with anorexia is never an easy comeback.

I am in significant pain that’s hard to dismiss. I am worried that this could be a fracture and I am not getting it taken care of like it should be. I have sat on two breaks and they healed improperly with consequences–never again!!!

Coincidentally I spoke with my doctor today. We talked about my past and how I normally neglect these injuries and how I’m concerned because this side has sustained injury before. I am trying to be better; to be self aware.

Right now, I’m recognizing the pain and that it is a problem. It scares me. Being ignorant is blissful with these.

Now I’m thinking how I have to wear a sling. My exercise is restricted…. Again!!! How this can impact my work and my sex life. And all during the Christmas time of year. Where food is everywhere.

I’m feeling fatter than before.

Ouch. My arm/pride. 

The damage is done…so can we fix this?!?!

The Appointment Summary

I felt so confident that I lost weight that I wanted to step on a scale this morning. You know, so I would see how much I’ve lost before I saw the doctor. I mean, my ring falls off my hand. I am a definite XL no matter what [still huge]. I feel muscle definition in my legs when I pinch my fat. Pants I wore a few weeks ago are falling off me.

So I proudly stepped up to my triggering machine confident my weight had dropped below a certain number. Finally.

Boy I was fucking wrong. And triggered.

I went UP!!

I have gained pounds… Yes. But physically lost weight?!?! Greaaaaat. All day was a struggle thanks to this.

*.    *.    *.    *.    *.    

I saw the doctor and I get the special psychological screen. What have my feelings been like in the past two weeks. Not even past month. Huh.

Then my vital signs. Which were not um good. My blood pressure has dropped. And since I drink a lot of water each day this is not a good sign.

My doctor is helping me immensely by doing the research for me. 

And by having me come back in 2 weeks. To check in. She is being supportive and I’m so grateful!!

I don’t have anyone else.

And I am half asleep while writing this. I am sorry!

Doctor Appointment

Oh skippee, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I’m notnsurenifbthey are going to like hearing what I have to say.

No, I am not ok.

I was left out to dry. I was cut loose with nothing in place or setup for transition. I’ve been floundering on my own. I’ve been barely making it by.

I was in the middle of the most toxic situation possible. By myself. I went into a severe change. By myself. I’ve dealt with serious things. By myself. I’ve had horrible blights and fights with Ed. By myself. Edie has shown up. Well at least there is three of us. But still!! By myself.

Eating disorders do not have recognition like Bipolar Disorders or Depression. I know some want to challenge it but it’s a fact. More research is piured into those two mental/behavioral issues than any other. It is even discussed in media and society. There are movements to promote them more openly than eating disorders.

Which is ironic since eating disorders are the deadliest.

This is not meant to be a comparisson but a point of why I am not able to openly talk about it. It is so taboo it freaks people out–friends have dropped me when I told them about it. Best friends.

So I cannot just be like, hi I have anorexia I need to take 2 hours off in the middle of the day twice a week [minimum] for my health and therapy. No. Not in today’s society. Not if I ever want a job in my dream healthcare profession.

But apparently the last eating disorder clinic appointments start at 4pm. 

Because you can’t work and have an eating disorder?!?! 

Wtf?!?! I mean seriously wtf?! 

I just started this new job so it is not a choice for me to be demanding and shift changes. It doesn’t work that way.

And based on how gossipy, nosy, and ready to screw you over my new coworkers seem to be [not all but large portion of the 15 people], I am not divulging a deep dark secret like that.

So I’m stuck.

It’s like, I have to be hospitalized to get the help and support I need but if I am I lose my job. Which pays for the help I need.

Life is a cruel twist of fates.

And I get to explain all that stress to my doctor tomorrow.