How Can You Tell?

**Trigger Warning: content can be considered triggering for those with eating disorders. Proceed accordingly.**

How can you tell when you are relapsing again? 

I remember when I was so hateful of food that I wanted it but did not at the same time–so I would chew it and spit it out. I was guilt ridden for wasting food. But the thought of swallowing has terrifying.

I knew I was a lost cause then, but I barely remember the descent to that place.

How can you tell?

How do you know when it all starts happening again? Usually I can. But Ed’s voice can be so silvery and smooth that I do not even notice the switch in control.

Between Ed, Edie, and myself all fighting for control, I have no clue who holds the reins anymore.

How can you tell when you have slipped?

It is so scary. I think I have.

I cannot exercise thanks to my injuries. I am going insane. I need to work out. 

I have found myself barely eating and barely drinking water. 

It all escalated around my anaphylactic reaction. I was convinced the hairs in my water were effecting my throat. Turns out my throat was swelling shut from the medication. Now I am plain afraid to drink.

Work days I pretty much get two shakes in, two packets of oatmeal with peanut butter, and two glasses of water. That’s it.

I manage to talk myself out of dinner; I get overwhelmed by options. I’m too tired. I’m too stressed. Not hungry. Always an excuse.

How can you tell sickness and stress from Ed? Sooo intertwined. One causes the other.
I catch myself thinking, “Woah. Cassie you should stop restricting and eat more!!” I am still convinced I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. And this time of year is always the worst. There is food everywhere. It makes me think I have eaten and feel full.

I keep obsessing over my body and how fat I am. That has definitely come back strong. I keep looking at my collarbones and shoulders while grabbing the fat on my thighs. I really hate this time of year. And shopping isn’t making me feel better.

I can’t do anything to stop the thoughts and shut up Ed’s voice. Or even Edie’s.
It came to my attention that I have a problem again when I was at dinner on Christmas Eve. My parents asked me if I wanted more food; why wasn’t I hungrier. Why was I not drinking more or having more bread. I only had a small portion of ravioli. I did not even realize how much Ed and Edie were running the show.

How do you know you have lost the control before you have? 

My parents looked so concerned. 

Shocker. 

But more so when they wanted me to eat Christmas dinner with them and I had a small bowl of scalloped potatoes. I felt like a total fat ass because we had food ordered for lunch. It felt so fattening I wanted it to be my one meal of the day. After I wanted to cry.

Honestly it was not that bad but I was losing it!! How did I not notice I had slipped back to this point? Such a bad habit and I was back at it. Old habits die hard.

How do you know?!?!

I’m physically exhausted again. Stressed out. Work is …..

Today I watched a new show called Dance Academy. Probably shouldn’t have because I think it’s triggering for me. How do I know? I can’t stop watching. I’m picking PC up in a few hours and need sleep but can’t stop watching.

I got angry. One chick doesn’t eat for a week and passes out. Pffff whatever–bitch is weak sauce. I didn’t eat for 3 months. I was faint and shit but I don’t think I actually passed out!! Makes me want to say I’m a real anorexic and she’s a fake. Her therapy was a joke. 

And now I want to train so hardcore. 

I want to dance.

No. I need to dance. 

Alas, I am saving up money and am fearful of driving in El Niño rains. I choose life thank you.

I think I need help. 

But idk what to do with my phone appointment with my doctor this week; I am still so angry with her for blowing off my medical issues. And allowing 4 weeks to pass instead of the 2 weeks she wanted. 

I’m not sure if I should tell her. I don’t want to end up in residential. 

I need Cherry.

How do you know.

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