Archive | January 2016

Control

This song has been a current favorite for about two months now. Really resonates.

It’s raw. The lyrics. The feeling. It’s me. It’s me vs Ed and Edie.

Always nice to find a song that validates myself.

Control- Halsey

They send me away to find them a fortune

A chest filled with diamonds and gold

The house was awake

With shadows and monsters

The hallways they echoed and groaned
I sat alone, in bed ’til the morning

I’m crying, “They’re coming for me”

And I tried to hold these secrets inside me

My mind’s like a deadly disease
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I paced around for hours, on empty

I jumped at the slightest of sounds

And I couldn’t stand the person inside me

I turned all the mirrors around
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I’m well acquainted

With villains that live in my bed

They beg me to write them

So they’ll never die when I’m dead
And I’ve grown familiar

With villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them

So I’ll never die when I’m dead
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

Oh.

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Pain

Searing. Blinding. Grinding. Unlike anything I’ve experienced in awhile.

And all at once.

I can feel each. And. Every. Single. Vertebrae. In. My. Spine.

It is not like my usual muscle spasm. No. This is like, a bone spasm? No I know that’s not real but it feels it.

*     *     *    *

I have this whole goal in life to be on as little medications as I need to be to function. I want my body as clean but also I want to deal with my problems fixing the problem and creating my own solution. I do not just want a bandaid of medication unless absolutely necessary.

Needless to say, I have been relatively med free except for as needed medications [antibiotics rarely, muscle relaxant for back spasms once a year, tylenol] until the recent past.

So back in 2013 when I went on Zoloft and Ativan it was a very harsh mental coping process. Then come early 2014 I was switching to Lexapro because Zoloft was making me psychotic. I still had to adjust to the fact that I was on this medication.

By the end of 2014, I found myself on Lexapro, Ativan as needed, Allegra, Flonase, an inhaler Atrovent, Gabapentin, Topamax, and an infusion. I wanted to die. It was stressful!!

I had a severe allergic reaction to the flu shot that just wiped me and my body out. It caused systemic responses and severe facial pain that can be found in earlier posts.

I had tried Gabapentin but I was so high from it that I was nonfunctional. And no it was not a good high. I had serious side effects. All to deal with severe unexplainable facial pain. Facial pain that prevented me from eating.

Then came the infusion to help bide time while titrating down on Gabapentin and on to Topamax. All I knew was I wanted off of Gaba.

Things evened out with Topamax and I went down to 600mg of Gabapentin at nighttime. I was scared to come off of it since everything was working and I was fearful of the debilitating facial pain.

But the past few months I was back on my goal of fewest meds as possible and Gabapentin is no joke! I wanted it out of my system! That office threatened to stop all my meds unless I came in so I took it as a sign to go in and stop the Gabapentin once and for all.

This week was titration down week. 600mg is really nothing: 2pills. I know I’m a light weight and I’ve been on it for a while so this can mean longer titration process. But I figured no issues. That doctor warned me to be fully off on a weekend because I would “feel off” and “weird” which I took as high. [He told me a total of one week for the process.]

Here I am and it’s anything but. Maybe I titrated too fast. I’m having withdrawal symptoms. No pills as of Friday and yesterday started my severe nausea, hypersensitivity to scents, and what I call seizure lite. Since this all started I’ve had serious dizziness, anxiety, headaches–things I can tough out with Ativan and mental spirit. But the confusion, near fainting, and today’s new onset of severe back pain? How the hell can I do this?!

Has the Gabapentin been masking serious back pain this whole time?!?! I mean this is serious bone pain that my current high doses of ibuprofen for my shoulder and ankle is not even touching!! I can’t focus! I can’t sit still! I can’t hold back my whimpers!!

PC was amazing at giving a back massage which helped but am I going to need this daily?!?! For how long??

I’m still coping with my injuries from my fall in the shower 7weeks ago. This is too much.

Sleep and Eating Disorders

  
For those who wonder why we who struggle sleep more.

It is not just because we are weak from malnutrition. 

Speaking on my own behalf, it is an avoidance technique.

Sleep through meals. Less temptation to deal with. More stored energy. Burning more calories. Less of the world and thoughts to deal with.

Melting 2

As the week continued things continued to get worse.

Out of nowhere, I had this impending sense of doom. It was an intuitive feeling. We have them in my family on my mother’s side. Usually it relates to someone close to us dying or being severely injured. Turns out this time it was a warning that my life was about to be thrown around.

I spent a day not talking to PC. Like we had a ripe old fight. He was so disrespectful and forceful in telling me to try and resolve issues with my sister.

Backstory: my sister came to town then neglected me and I was really upset by this. I commented on it to PC and said that I think I’m officially done. So he decided that I needed to suck it up and get over it because she is family.

I felt devalued, discredited, but most importantly invalidated. Everything I had worked on with Cherry he was trying to fight me on.

Surprisingly, I had a backbone. I knew my needs and what was not ok and what I deserved. And I stood up for myself for once.

So I ignored PC for like 18 hours. And he realized he fucked up. He thought I was going to dump him. He realized how stubborn he is and how I never want him to fix anything but to just hear me and validate my existence in this world. I really don’t ask for much.

After a lot of talking, we resolved the issue. I still felt shut down and frankly I still feel that way to a degree. I despise people who tell me how I feel or should feel in a situation. So I’m still sussing it all out.

Add to that I met with my substitute therapist: a social worker.

I need help. And I had this horrid realization that the only way I’ll get the help I need, again, is by being so sick I’m hospitalized. Which ruins my whole life. It’s not fair. m

I know this social worker is a substitute, but she isn’t a good one. She didn’t even realize the severity of my situation. Just frustrating. She also can’t provide the security and privacy I need. I see her again in two weeks.

My anxiety is out of control so my memory is whack and so is my focus. This is proving difficult. I cannot complete anything I want or need to do which in turn spikes my anxiety. I did return to weekly babysitting which is exciting!! It just sucks that it’s more time that others demand from me.

Then this PTSD car accident girl had a panic attack because my car died and that made me lose it. So dealt with that on top of everything else.

I have melted away and into myself. I’m so overwhelmed I have shut down.

I was forced to get my oil changed. PC made it a date and did his as well. I cannot express how much I hate dealing with car stuff and I still have one major thing to do.

My anxiolytics helped me through.

Work is work.

Rain blows.

I’m obsessed with cleaning, organizing, reading, and sleeping.

I have finally caught up on most of that by today.

Did a double date with my parents that went decently.

Unintentionally got drunk. It felt wonderful. I miss that feeling.

Today I feel like I caught up on life mostly. Finished a book <wooo >, went through emails [300], and dyed half my hair!

Maybe I’m hypomanic. But it sure feels good!!!

I like being melted and obsessed.

I like taking care of myself. I deserve it.

Melting

I am melting into myself.

It has not been a good week. By any means.

Pain is still here. I took the boot off prematurely because it was pouring rain and I was not about to kill the rest of my bones for it.

And it has caused a lot of struggles. I am having a hard timing holding on to reality. I want to hyper exercise so bad. I can’t. I fluctuate between starving and subjective binges.

I e spent several nights and days with PC and I have to watch him exercise and train while I sit here growing fatter. It’s not fair. I can’t do anything because I have arm and ankle injury. The walking boot has stressed out my hip and back. Just all around stressful. Yay.

I am melting back and Ed’s voice just calls and beckons to me. Soothes me with comfort at how much easier it is to fall back into the comfort of habits.

Current Obsessions

Had a huge fight with PC last night. So much so I actually didn’t respond to his texts until this afternoon because I was still upset and needed space.

Which then just drives my anxiety and OCD behaviors forward.

Right now my obsessions are pretty high.

  • Organizing
  • Being organized
  • Cleaning
  • Everything having a place
  • Finding the perfect place for everything
  • Going minimalistic
  • Pinterest
  • Creating my Life Binder
  • My organization projects
  • Finishing books
  • Finishing projects
  • Reading
  • Sleeping
  • Running [can’t, injured]
  • Dying my hair [change]
  • List making

My organization projects:

  • Cards in a mini binder–have supplies 
  • Pictures in picture frames–almost complete
  • Tossing out hair products/ face washes/ shampoo/ conditioner and cleaning that all up–complete
  • Arranging zen candle display on mirror bases –ordered, create space and make it happen
  • Life Binder–have all papers and graphics in binder and sorted; need to fill them out
  • Rolodex–complete
  • Birthday card box–have the cards, have the birth dates, need to clean up who I deem worthy of sending a card to especially after this past year [all but a small handful neglected me and my birthday and I am done over extending myself].
  • DBT Card Flip–have idea and picture of it, have supplies
  • Sort jewelry 
  • Finish 10+ books I’ve started