Obsessions

I keep having freak outs and obsessive thoughts.

This damn walking boot constantly reminds me how I’m broken. 

I know I’m broken. In so many ways. But now everyone else knows that I’m broken to a degree.

I’m a private person when it comes to these matters; I want to deal with my health on my own. It’s that whole fear of judgement thing.

Now I have to go to work tomorrow, slowly, and show the world how broken I am. Prove how hurt and real my injuries are. Display that I am not as strong as I portray myself. That I am so fat that when I fell I injured my ankle and arm.

I hate negative attention.

And I am about to get loads of it.

I am obsessively thinking about what I can do to lose weight right now.

I am unable to do anything with my legs. 

I am unable to do anything with my arms.

Well I can’t do crap.

I can just feeeeel the fat gathering and settling on my body. It is making me so anxious.

And it turns out Ed’s voice has been working hard in the background.

I nearly passed out today as well as felt nauseated.

I had a total of 2 shakes and some pizelle cookies. Worked on cleaning and moving with the boot is really tiring-a workout in its own right.

I just don’t notice.

So it turns out I’ve unknowingly been restricting again.

Which means I’ll get fatter.

I’m obsessed and can’t stop thinking about how I need to run. And dance. And be at the gym.

I don’t want any food–it’s tiring.

But I am more obsessed with losing weight. I need to be thinner.

I keep comparing myself to people: family friends, coworkers, PC’s ex.

Ironically, PC’s ex is actually unattractive. Her body is meh. His parents hated her. Her face is eesh.

His parents currently like me. In an awkwardly not meant to be cocky but honest way, I know I’m cute–can be pretty, definitely hot if I do makeup and hair. My body isn’t ok in my mind. It’s not what it used to be. I want my bubble butt back; my flat stomach.

And yet I just still don’t feel good enough. I am still feeling threatened by her and I know it’s all my own doing. It’s all my obsession. 

Food always on my mind. The need to exercise driven hire as I slump around with the boot.

I need a cure.

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3 thoughts on “Obsessions

  1. Hey Cassie,
    I know how it feels to just spiral into the negative hellhole after an initial negative thought. However, do remember that these thoughts are not at all related. It’s your mind tricking you into thinking they are. And also, other people cannot tell your struggles from just looking at you (thankfully!). Breath in and out, sending you love and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like a vicious circle. The obsessive thoughts can be so hard to get out of. Remember that body changes can’t happen instantly- so you can’t physically lose or gain weight in a day etc. Do something kind for yourself. Take a bath, paint your nails, watch some nice videos on YouTube. Xx

    Like

    • Thank you! It’s just frustrating to be stuck when I want to go. The anxiety is sooo bad that I’ve been trying to paint my nails for several weeks now but I have yet to.

      The boot is tiring so sometimes I have to lay down and just rest to catch back up with life. :[ I hate it.

      Liked by 1 person

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