As the week continued things continued to get worse.
Out of nowhere, I had this impending sense of doom. It was an intuitive feeling. We have them in my family on my mother’s side. Usually it relates to someone close to us dying or being severely injured. Turns out this time it was a warning that my life was about to be thrown around.
I spent a day not talking to PC. Like we had a ripe old fight. He was so disrespectful and forceful in telling me to try and resolve issues with my sister.
Backstory: my sister came to town then neglected me and I was really upset by this. I commented on it to PC and said that I think I’m officially done. So he decided that I needed to suck it up and get over it because she is family.
I felt devalued, discredited, but most importantly invalidated. Everything I had worked on with Cherry he was trying to fight me on.
Surprisingly, I had a backbone. I knew my needs and what was not ok and what I deserved. And I stood up for myself for once.
So I ignored PC for like 18 hours. And he realized he fucked up. He thought I was going to dump him. He realized how stubborn he is and how I never want him to fix anything but to just hear me and validate my existence in this world. I really don’t ask for much.
After a lot of talking, we resolved the issue. I still felt shut down and frankly I still feel that way to a degree. I despise people who tell me how I feel or should feel in a situation. So I’m still sussing it all out.
Add to that I met with my substitute therapist: a social worker.
I need help. And I had this horrid realization that the only way I’ll get the help I need, again, is by being so sick I’m hospitalized. Which ruins my whole life. It’s not fair. m
I know this social worker is a substitute, but she isn’t a good one. She didn’t even realize the severity of my situation. Just frustrating. She also can’t provide the security and privacy I need. I see her again in two weeks.
My anxiety is out of control so my memory is whack and so is my focus. This is proving difficult. I cannot complete anything I want or need to do which in turn spikes my anxiety. I did return to weekly babysitting which is exciting!! It just sucks that it’s more time that others demand from me.
Then this PTSD car accident girl had a panic attack because my car died and that made me lose it. So dealt with that on top of everything else.
I have melted away and into myself. I’m so overwhelmed I have shut down.
I was forced to get my oil changed. PC made it a date and did his as well. I cannot express how much I hate dealing with car stuff and I still have one major thing to do.
My anxiolytics helped me through.
Work is work.
I’m obsessed with cleaning, organizing, reading, and sleeping.
I have finally caught up on most of that by today.
Did a double date with my parents that went decently.
Unintentionally got drunk. It felt wonderful. I miss that feeling.
Today I feel like I caught up on life mostly. Finished a book <wooo >, went through emails , and dyed half my hair!
Maybe I’m hypomanic. But it sure feels good!!!
I like being melted and obsessed.
I like taking care of myself. I deserve it.