Ya Feel Me?

Alright here comes some brutal honesty. It ain’t pretty. Bear with it because by the end you might see my excitement. Small steps. Ya feel me?

I suffer a bajillion things. Maybe even a bajillion and one. And that in itself is beyond overwhelming.

I have been fighting to live for months, shit, years now. My anorexia/anxiety are so tightly intertwined it is hard to deal with one without the other making recovery a long and slow process. Besides the fact that I’m a lifer.

Well last week I posted how I have paused/temporarily given up seeking out help because I have fought and lost all the energy from fighting to get help.

All that fighting, all the anxiety, all of it has taken a toll. A toll I am ashamed of but I struggle to fight.

I have mentioned this before but sometimes my anxiety can be so overwhelming I can barely do my basic ADLs–activities of daily living. These are partially fueled by adds voice because this change in routine keeps me from eating.

But these leave me, um, disgusting.

I don’t brush my teeth. When it gets unbearable I wipe them down with a towel. Why not just brush? It’s so simple and easy Cassie!!! Ahh yes. But you see, brushing implies I ate and eating is bad and Ed’s voice fills me with more shame and doubt. So, no brushing. Plus it’s energy.

I shower once a week, twice tops.

I always plan to shower every other day [my normal because of my eczema and seborrhea dermatitis]. But then I wake up and I feel this utter sense of panic and overwhelm I can’t handle. It’s easier to keep my hair in a ponytail than anything else. Which makes me mad because the point of me growing my hair out was so I could actually do my hair. And I want to. But the anxiety is overwhelming. So I avoid life and my thoughts and just sleep.

Sleep is an escape from reality. Period. 

Ya I sleep a lot more because I am drained. Like I have been training for the Olympics drained. So not only do I avoid eating and reality, I escape myself and my thoughts. It’s when my brain is generally turned off.

All I want to do is go back to doing my hair, wearing makeup, taking joy in choosing that. But I haven’t because anxiety has me bogged down and anorexia has me fighting myself thanks to all my injuries and lack of ability to exercise.

So tonight was a huge accomplishment.

I dragged my anxious and tired ass into my bathroom. I prepared my nasal sinus rinse [which I dread because it always makes me vomit and gag even though my sinuses feel better after]. I rinsed those sinuses. I vomitted once [a new record!!]. Which forced me to clean my face. I washed my face. Put lotion on. Then put my eczema nonmedicated lotion on. Then some acne cream. I took my nighttime meds and crawled into bed.

And I feel so damn proud of myself!!

It took a lot to force myself to do it. It felt great after. But for those of us who suffer from anxiety and depression, everyday tasks can be like learning how all over again–but worse because you know you are capable of it.

You feel like you are trying to run through waist deep molasses. Your brain knows and your body is forcing forward, yet you get nowhere.

I am feeling elated. High as a kite! I just had a victory!

Maybe tomorrow I can actually go crazy and paint my nails or take a shower.

Anyone else out there–ya feel me?!??


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