Of Course…

Of course!!

Just of, of course!

Story of my life.

I plan things. I’m a planner. I can be flexible. That’s not an issue. But I have to plan on being flexible. It’s a mindset thing. No, it’s a control thing.

And that is a whole other story.

But last week, or was it two weeks ago, I came to terms with giving up on getting help with my anxiety and anorexia.

I have begged and accepted I needed help. Major step for all! I was struggling. I was my only advocate! But the system won. I was put on a wait list and told it could be months.

So I had a panic attack, accepted what this meant, and gave up. I accepted what I already knew: I was a lifer and I still am a lifer. I know what makes me fat so I have to fight like hell to not die or get fatter.

Oops too late! There’s that baby pregnant belly again!

Yup back to the tears and forced eating and stress and excessive sleeping. The confusion and no concept of anything and irritability with disrespectful people.

I tried to focus on the positives: wow I have my free time back; I feel much less overwhelmed! I can calm down!! I can see my nephew more! I can do meet ups now!

Of course one rude coworker is pushing me to my limits and I nearly lost it today. Did not help that I then received a call from a number within our institution. I stepped out of our office to call back because I didn’t want her teen drama [in her 50s] ass getting more than she deserved. 

Ps she steps out for social calls at least twice an hour. But I can’t.

Turns out it was the psych department. I had given up. I was hopeless and helpless. I figured I had months!! They were scheduling me for my initial intake! When? Oh next week.

It was weird since it’s the same place. Apparently, this is 1.5 hours and it’s to get to know the new doctor and to see if we gel. It’s someone Cherry had really wanted me to go to.

She went over her credentials–has the training and background knowledge I would want and need. She’s specialized in the areas I need.

It’s all so fast! I thought I had more time!! I gave up!!

I told my boss how this is all going into effect and soon. She’s been very supportive. She’s even trying to help me maintain my privacy especially in concerning with that rude coworker [working on a nickname].

See I just want to literally tell her to fuck off and go hood–treat her how I would on the streets for someone who acts the way she does. Show her arrogant “I’m rich” white ass but oh wait you’re just an uneducated secretary so don’t look down your nose at NOONE–how I do! {ok feeling better now}

But I’m expected to rise above as she continues her disrespect and overall nasty. I hate that I can’t be me because I might offend her. Total bs.

So of course, I have to battle my anxieties of starting all new, seeing if it all gels, and an old teenager.

Of course!


2 thoughts on “Of Course…

  1. Ugh, old teenagers are the worst. On the flip side, I’m glad you’ll be seeing this new person. Sometimes you gotta keep going even if *right now* you don’t want it or have given up. Wish you the best in the gelling process ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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