Here I am again.
Second first appointment.
This time I kind of know what to expect. And yet, I did not.
I was nervous all week for it.
Well, I was until I got super sick. Ya next post to be posted.
I arrived, figuring the usual–game plan of what we will do. Me relieving my past. Torturous. Me detached. Avoidance of feelings. Me outside of my body telling the story as if it happened to someone else and I just watched it all happen.
What I did not expect was to be sent home the day before for being sick. So I was home sick before the appointment. And I ate nothing because I slept the whole time.
No. Not depression. The opposite has been happening-anxiety. But I’ve been so damn sick my body needs it so I gave it what it needed. And I have no energy. So fighting to eat well ha ha ha.
We start off our meeting with me sporting the sexy yellow mask.
Talking about how when I’m sick is when I need help and support the most.
I told her about the horrible situation I dealt with the weekend before with my parents calling me fat to my face maliciously. How it’s hard to deal with that to give her an idea of how it is always ongoing.
Then we started working on her plans and goals of treatment. Here it gets fuzzy because, well, I blacked out.
She said she wants to do weekly weights.
And I basically told her no kiss my fat ass. That I used to obsess over them they are triggering fuck that. Even blind weights I will find a way to find out what it is.
And then I proceeded to black out.
I remember tunnel vision happening. I remember the panic. I remember the rapid breathing. It doesn’t help that I have RSV and asthma so my oxygen levels are pretty crappy.
Who the hell knows what else happened.
At the end I know that I had homework. That I have goals every week. One self care, one eating disorder recovery, one relationships.
The homework came home with me.
I’ve already failed them.
They are so simple.
And yet I can’t even.
So even having done this before, knowing what to expect and what to do, being a professional in this field, and having a nutrition certificate, I still can’t even do this.
Because that is how powerful Ed’s voice is.
Second time around and just as rough as the first.