Archive | March 2016

Ed’s Reset

I recently went to what should have been a rave. Turned out to be a bunch of drunk pretentious California stereotypes raining hate at a rave instead. I miss Vegas.

Of course I was beyond concerned about my body and my self esteem was a lacking.

I went to this with PC and Erin. I definitely dressed my part and they made me feel comfortable. However society did not.

I was drunk.

I had a wonderful time.

I somehow managed to ignore the skinny bitches and stuck up assholes.

I got hit on. Even PC got picked up…by guys [that’s my bæ, so proud!].

After consuming so much alcohol I realized I managed to somehow reset Ed’s voice and the anorexia…kind of like in a weird way.

I could never ever be bulimic. No matter how much I envy them or the sheer will I want it. I just cannot deal with my own vomitting process. Or the laxatives.

So I get drunk to lower my inhibitions. Then I freak out about possibly vomitting so I eat. Now it is a subjective binge, but I do eat.

And I ate a lot.

I went from my barely meals/ snacks to eating 6-7 mini meals the next day.

This always happens when I’m drunk.

I had pancakes. Sandwiches. Basically carbs galore because it soaks up alcohol. And of course tons of water. The day after that I had salad and a more diverse meal.

I have found myself eating more.

I fucking hate it.

My body has been nauseated because it’s on that phase two of refeeding with the reflux. And the thought just makes me nauseated. These subjective binges are screwing with my head. Yet somehow being drunk reset my command center and I’m able to consume food again.

Haaa if only I had done this sooner…?

Adventures with the New Therapist

Let’s just say it’s safe to say that I’m not on the same plane as my new therapist.

I did dive in thinking it would go a lot like Cherry. That is my own fault for expectations.

But I swear this new one keeps seeing eating disorder.

She don’t knooooow meeee. So she’s coming at my eating disorder and trying to help me with absolutely NO clue to what is happening.

This is another relapse, yes. You have notes to reference, yes. Your concern is my health, yes.minget it!!!

But how compliant am I going to be if you keep pushing me without listening to me?

Well it turns out not very.

PC and I have had some significant arguments these past few weeks. Mainly because I feel like I’m not being heard.

Ya he really isn’t listening to me, but it’s worse when my therapist is not either.

One of these two needs to. I can’t have them both steamrolling me. I lose my words.

And I’m already at a loss. This fucking RSV has messed with my memory!! I don’t think it’s the meds…I think it’s the virus itself. I have lost my short term memory.

Could it be from stress and anxiety? Oh I’ve been weighing that because I have been just run down at work–attacked from all angles. But that’s a different feeling.

So today I was pushed and pushed by the newb. I shut down. And our session ended early. Cool.

I’m tired of her invalidating that my life is shit. No, not everyone has shitty lives or gets shit on as much as I do. I am always looking for positives even as I’m being beaten down.

But she doesn’t get it and it almost seems like she won’t get it.

So it almost seems like it’s time to do what us anorexics and other disordered eating people do best: lie.

Ya I’m fine. Ya I’m eating. Ya it’s all going well. It’s wonderful.

I don’t want to talk about food yet she doesn’t seem to get that.

Can only be pushed so much.

Too Fat to Breathe?

Last weekend I ended up getting pretty sick.

It all started with a horrid sore throat. Which progressed to a runny and congested nose. This led to some hardcore coughs that were few and far apart.

In retrospect, it all started with a bunch of sneezing.

And it all started with a coworker who shared it. And got it from a patient.

Well I figured it was a basic cold; no biggie.

Everyone in the office seemed to get some variation of it and now it was my turn.

But thanks to that whole starving myself thing, I got it full on.

I’m immunosuppressed. Anorexia does that to you.

They don’t advertise that on the model campaigns. Or as thinspo.

I guess “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels and being sick all the time because you’re immunosuppressed” isn’t catchy.

Well, when it first started, it was simple things.

Walking I would get winded.

I was convinced I was just getting fatter. I was clearly out of shape. I can’t breather because I’m fat!!!

I nearly passed out in the stairs from lack of oxygen–because I’m fat!!

This went on for a week.

I got sent home from work because I looked horrendous apparently.

My lips tingled. When I coughed, I would cough so hard I’d almost faint. My sinuses were beyond full. I still figured it was a cold.

One of my coworkers texted me Friday evening to tell me we had all been exposed to RSV–another coworker tested positive and that someone else transmitted it to us via a patient.

Normally, RSV is only bad for elderly adults and babies. But it’s also bad for those with asthma.

Guess who now knows she has asthma?!?!

I called my doctor to see if anything besides my current inhaler could help. I mean hitting it 5times a day without much help and still feeling like a fat ass because I can’t breathe while walking is ridiculous.

So to summarize: I literally can’t breathe, I have minimal oxygen, am confused, show all scary healthcare signs of poor oxygenation, and have Ed’s voice telling me it’s because I’m too fat on top of all that.

Oh and my damn pharmacy decided to close 4 hours early today so I couldn’t get my newest inhaler.

Yayyyyyyyy!

Because I don’t feel fat enough! I get to pant and feel dizzy every ten steps!

Not the Failure

In therapy right now, which has been so strict and regimented, each week I have to do three goals.

Considering she should still be getting to know me it’s been a kick to the face. 

I thought she would get to know me, be gentle, ease in, then rip me a new one. 

Hahaha no, no!! 

Alright so I might be having hypomania this week. Even if it has been awkwardly offset by anxiety and self loathing all courtesy to work, it’s still there I feel it.

And it might have been taking me on tangents in therapy last week.

But she kept my butt in check!!

Even when I was trying to explain myself so I didn’t feel judged! I was like damn let me finish my fucking story bra!!! I don’t want to feel judged this is my routine and ritual let me do it ish!

Anyways, she keeps me on these three goals.

Part of me thinks it’s because I’m not  at a good place with my eating, even if I feel like it isn’t that bad–good old Ed’s voice!

She’s really driven to try and correct my eating patterns and thought processes. Doesn’t seem to care about my anxiety issues too much.

I really miss Cherry.

So I make a goal, each, in these categories: Eating Disorder Related [EDR], Self-Care, and Relationships.

These goals have to be things I can do in one week’s time.

Come to think of it it’s really stressful!!!! I’m thinking of lying about my EDR ones!! The hell I can make those happen that fast!!

Straight up honey wanted me eating three full meals and two snacks a day immediately. I laughed in her face. Ya I have “two meals a day” right now and one is protein shakes while the other is a bar.

Hence my refeeding syndrome.

My Relationships goals I felt like I’ve been failing because I’ve been isolating with anxiety, not feeling good enough, feeling too fat, feeling ugly, scared I’ve destroyed the relationships, feel like I let them down, etc.

So I made goals and worked so hard to do them!

And then I still feel like I fail at my relationships!

After having a really bad day at work with Dramama bullying and harassing me–me being counseled by my boss–because somehow it’s my fault and Dramama is the victim, I nearly cut myself for the first time ever. I lost it. I cried.

I left a toxic work environment to be right back where I was.

I don’t understand what I do that attracts these negative people and their negative energy.

I have enough going on with Ed’s voice and anorexia and anxiety!!!

Well I then get a text from Cindy that our personal vacation she just invited some of her friends and family on. Lost my shit on her.

And Badgyr who is in town this week? Well she sent me an email and the two days I blocked off for her she seemed to make plans with other people in the middle of ours.

I lost my shit.

Tears. Worthlessness. Fat grabbing. Fat feelings. Picking.

I’m failing my relationship goals.

Then I remembered: it takes two and I am always giving and giving. I am flexible and pushed over and taken advantage of. I guess I’m under appreciated.

I’m not the failure at my relationship goals; they are!! They are expecting me to carry the relationship.

To quote the funny YouTube clip, “not today!”

For once, I’m not the failure!! Goal: met!

Surviving vs. Thriving. A Collage.

In experiential group last night, we made collages of what our lives look like just surviving and what they look like thriving. The left half is surviving and the right is thriving. I put a woman punching a punching bag because living with my eating disorder feels like I’m always in a fight for survival. […]

https://a2eternity.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/surviving-vs-thriving-a-collage/

Your Comments Aren’t Helping Anyone

This week Joan Bakewell made a sweeping statement that anorexia was a result of society becoming more narcissistic; she later apologised for the distress caused by her ‘reported views’ and of course has been widely criticised; but I’m still left feeling quite angry and frustrated that this kind of information is still finding it’s way into […]

http://kate-elliott.co.uk/2016/03/15/your-comments-arent-helping-anyone/

Quick post unfocused 

A lot has been going on. Too much it’s actually beyond overwhelming.

It’s crazy. I’m in a hypomanic phase right now. And yet with the inhaled steroids I’m on and the stress at work with Dramama/ office reorganization my anxiety is off the charts so that is outweighing the hypomania at times.

So my thoughts are all over the place.

Here is my notes I had for my appointment this past week for my therapist. Just a clue of what I’m dealing with…. Besides still healing from RSV and last week’s eye surgery.

Refeeding sx: gerd. Don’t want to eat and it also reminds me how I’m eating so I’m at that point of eating healing process 

Hypomania since yesterday 

Lose my ish over Dramama. My life has issues too! Tired of her belittling 

Boss email –backbone and defended self 

Trip in June — but not sure can have it bc Dramama has whole month off

Work Healthy champion lunch–didn’t eat, felt fraudulent, felt fat

Cleaning and a lot; obsessed 

Shower issue and mom today: carpool that didn’t happen and the melt down fight

Sickness and lack of memory freaks me out

DBT cards project

Stressful work week

Feeling so fat