Not the Failure

In therapy right now, which has been so strict and regimented, each week I have to do three goals.

Considering she should still be getting to know me it’s been a kick to the face. 

I thought she would get to know me, be gentle, ease in, then rip me a new one. 

Hahaha no, no!! 

Alright so I might be having hypomania this week. Even if it has been awkwardly offset by anxiety and self loathing all courtesy to work, it’s still there I feel it.

And it might have been taking me on tangents in therapy last week.

But she kept my butt in check!!

Even when I was trying to explain myself so I didn’t feel judged! I was like damn let me finish my fucking story bra!!! I don’t want to feel judged this is my routine and ritual let me do it ish!

Anyways, she keeps me on these three goals.

Part of me thinks it’s because I’m not  at a good place with my eating, even if I feel like it isn’t that bad–good old Ed’s voice!

She’s really driven to try and correct my eating patterns and thought processes. Doesn’t seem to care about my anxiety issues too much.

I really miss Cherry.

So I make a goal, each, in these categories: Eating Disorder Related [EDR], Self-Care, and Relationships.

These goals have to be things I can do in one week’s time.

Come to think of it it’s really stressful!!!! I’m thinking of lying about my EDR ones!! The hell I can make those happen that fast!!

Straight up honey wanted me eating three full meals and two snacks a day immediately. I laughed in her face. Ya I have “two meals a day” right now and one is protein shakes while the other is a bar.

Hence my refeeding syndrome.

My Relationships goals I felt like I’ve been failing because I’ve been isolating with anxiety, not feeling good enough, feeling too fat, feeling ugly, scared I’ve destroyed the relationships, feel like I let them down, etc.

So I made goals and worked so hard to do them!

And then I still feel like I fail at my relationships!

After having a really bad day at work with Dramama bullying and harassing me–me being counseled by my boss–because somehow it’s my fault and Dramama is the victim, I nearly cut myself for the first time ever. I lost it. I cried.

I left a toxic work environment to be right back where I was.

I don’t understand what I do that attracts these negative people and their negative energy.

I have enough going on with Ed’s voice and anorexia and anxiety!!!

Well I then get a text from Cindy that our personal vacation she just invited some of her friends and family on. Lost my shit on her.

And Badgyr who is in town this week? Well she sent me an email and the two days I blocked off for her she seemed to make plans with other people in the middle of ours.

I lost my shit.

Tears. Worthlessness. Fat grabbing. Fat feelings. Picking.

I’m failing my relationship goals.

Then I remembered: it takes two and I am always giving and giving. I am flexible and pushed over and taken advantage of. I guess I’m under appreciated.

I’m not the failure at my relationship goals; they are!! They are expecting me to carry the relationship.

To quote the funny YouTube clip, “not today!”

For once, I’m not the failure!! Goal: met!

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