Ed’s Reset

I recently went to what should have been a rave. Turned out to be a bunch of drunk pretentious California stereotypes raining hate at a rave instead. I miss Vegas.

Of course I was beyond concerned about my body and my self esteem was a lacking.

I went to this with PC and Erin. I definitely dressed my part and they made me feel comfortable. However society did not.

I was drunk.

I had a wonderful time.

I somehow managed to ignore the skinny bitches and stuck up assholes.

I got hit on. Even PC got picked up…by guys [that’s my bæ, so proud!].

After consuming so much alcohol I realized I managed to somehow reset Ed’s voice and the anorexia…kind of like in a weird way.

I could never ever be bulimic. No matter how much I envy them or the sheer will I want it. I just cannot deal with my own vomitting process. Or the laxatives.

So I get drunk to lower my inhibitions. Then I freak out about possibly vomitting so I eat. Now it is a subjective binge, but I do eat.

And I ate a lot.

I went from my barely meals/ snacks to eating 6-7 mini meals the next day.

This always happens when I’m drunk.

I had pancakes. Sandwiches. Basically carbs galore because it soaks up alcohol. And of course tons of water. The day after that I had salad and a more diverse meal.

I have found myself eating more.

I fucking hate it.

My body has been nauseated because it’s on that phase two of refeeding with the reflux. And the thought just makes me nauseated. These subjective binges are screwing with my head. Yet somehow being drunk reset my command center and I’m able to consume food again.

Haaa if only I had done this sooner…?

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