Archive | April 2016

Just …

We are on a roll so let’s just keep on going.

After months of fighting for medical attention over my severe shoulder pain from my shower fall I am just getting care for it.

After multiple attempts at physical therapy appointments and being cancelled for bogus reasons in advance… Like a month in advance [1st time they didn’t bother to tell me they cancelled me] I had to patient advocate for myself and just got in at another outside PT clinic.

I just had the appointment this week.

And it turns out I was right while everyone blew me off. No big deal or anything, my shoulder pain? Oh it is just a rotator cuff injury that I did serious damage to and what’s that? Oh turns out that issue I complained about with numbness and tingling FOR YEARS and exacerbated with this injury? Just first rib issues–potentially Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.

Just nothing to worry about.

Just microtears in my ligaments and tendons at its best in my shoulder. That with potentially minimum of 6 [who are we kidding it’s going to be renewed] weeks of PT, could resolve the issue. Best case.

Worst case we are talking just surgery that I know has a small resolution rate.

There is a range of 20-40 degrees difference between sides in different positions. Seriously significant.

I am flexible so my impaired is yalls “normal” I get it but it still hurts. And looks bizarre compared to my other side.

Still have to assess my ankle.

What does this all mean to the fat anorexic?

Just that: 

  • I cannot run
  • I cannot rollerblade
  • I cannot lift anything
  • I cannot exercise at all
  • My stretches are limited to barely pushing to pain in that shoulder–further will destroy it.
  • I cannot wear backpacks. Or purses on that shoulder.
  • I have to watch my posture all the time.
  • I am fucking broken.
  • I cannot do any exercise for a minimum of 6 weeks but looks like 12. 
  • I feel really really fat, overwhelmed, and like G-d hates me.
  • I have a 5k I wanted to do and I have to slow walk it because no arm pumping.
  • I cannot sleep on that one side.
  • My mother thinks it’s all bullshit. Attention seeking crock.

I not only hate my body, I just hate my life.

Just a Pause?

I feel like I’m some selfish demanding brat. Because that’s all I’m asking for.

A pause.

A pause in the constant negativity and harassment that is my life. A moment to enjoy my accomplishments. A moment to celebrate my small victories.

One small pause!!

I’ve been so stressed out. I met PC’s siblings two weekends ago and then last week as I’m coming down off the hormones of stress from that I find out I’m meeting his friends this weekend.

Two weekends in a row. And all over food.

I am a vegetarian. But I will find something anywhere and everywhere. I’ll still be self conscious because well I only eat lettuce and potatoes really. But I don’t make a deal of it and I always play it cool. Others stress out more than I let on I am.

We went to a Brazilian “steakhouse”–quote because it was a restaurant really. In all my anxiety to meet his friends and deal with the food, I nailed it all. It was one massive success for Cassie!

I tried hella new foods!! Ok 3 things but for an anorexic who can’t even do that in a safe controlled environment that’s like —I just can’t even put it into words!!

I ended up liking the stuff I tried!! It’s safe to say I can eat Brazilian food now!! That’s a whole other category of food for me!! That means I eat Italian, American, Israeli, Mexican, and Brazilian!!

Ok that was overwhelming to write and read. :/

I loved his friends. We all clicked. So much so we went out for beers after.

I was just floating.

And I hold on to that.

Then I had a wonderful picnic lunch with my man. We tried to rollerblade after. I lost it. My feet hurt so bad I barely made it a block. My arches could not do it.

I completely shut down. I just want to cut my feet off!! Rollerblading is supposed to be how I lose weight and tone up–fast!! I failed myself and PC!!

So much for the perfect weekend…

Wait. What’s that?

My life can’t even have a mild pause for pleasure to a minute degree?

I get an irate call from my mother–my grandmother is dying.

And I am a horrible person because I am mot there to support my family as I always am. I am taking care of me for once.

Yes. This is truly a blessing we have been waiting on for years. She is severely demented. She hasn’t remembered me in about 4 years, let alone her kids in 3. She’s happy at the age she is at.

But elder care in the US is some of the most horrendous abysmal care you would ever see. If it were puppies people would protest and the caretakers would be locked up and destroyed. But there is no respect for the elderly.

Our frequent visits is what gets her the somewhat crap care she has. Ugh.

Anyways. She’s in her late 90s and life has caught up to her. She is DNR/DNI [aka let her die it’s what she and our family wants]. This place keeps fighting us. Funny since they let her sit in a urine filled diaper when she’s completely continent and they don’t want to take her to the bathroom. But her death they don’t want?!

It would bring our family peace knowing she is in a better place with her husband and friends. And selfishly one less stress for me.

She was my primary caretaker when I was in high school. And I have to watch her child cope with this drawn out process.

All I want is a pause in life.

New Fave Products

Ed’s voice has been in my face a lot lately. Granted I’ve had a lot more challenges so Ed can dominate. But I’m trying to find ways, mainly external cues for external validation, to fight Ed’s voice.

And I’ve found some.

Meet my new favorite products!
   
Sold at Target in a set. These brushes remind me that I should stop trying to hide myself with makeup. 
 
Empowerment set.

   
 
These pads of paper are designed by the brand Knock Knock. They make amazing little books that you fill in with reasons why someone is amazing or reasons you love someone. This was a tool that helped me in the beginning of recovery. Now these are helping me when I’m overwhelmed, stressed, OCD compulsed, or need visuals. The two in the back row are even perforated! I bought all of them on Amazon. 

Anti-Crazy

Like I said before, I’m anti the word crazy. 

  

Coping Level: Avoidance

No I am not avoiding you.

This is cathartic. It helps me process my feelings and thoughts. It lets me vent. And sometimes I’m validated by a reader.

I’ve been avoiding myself.

Ok we all ready know my feelings on the word crazy–I prefer either mentally hilarious or personality instead. But I agree that that aforementioned statement just sounds whack.

I am the master of avoidance. It is my go to technique.

Harmfully so.

In DBT group last year, I was the one who lead that lesson. Because I am pro.

But avoidance truly is a coping skill.

And damnit it got me through these past few weeks.

My therapist, you remember the newbie who is still fresh on the scene to the Cassie story, tried at one point to “bring me to reality” that everyone everywhere suffers and that I am not the only one who does.

First off, never said that. Secondly, I validate that, but I said that in my life I have recognized that my life is filled with nothing but horrors and is randomly speckled with positives which I’m constantly fighting to find; sometimes it’s too much.

She didn’t believe it.

Until she finally listened.

Like when I had RSV, that I got from coworkers [who got it from a patient], then had to take my car in for repairs and they lied about it and it was out for 4 days more than they said it would be, then was fighting for my physical therapy appointment because they cancelled for no reason, then told I had to go in for urgent eye surgery [again!!], all while fighting an elated Ed’s voice. There was more but I don’t remember because my memory is shot.

That’s just my life.

I have radically accepted it.

But sometimes I come back around and I’ll get sad by things.

Because it straight up sucks.

Anyways.

SO HERE IS CASSIE EN BREF:

  • I had eye surgery, again, same shit different eye. Molluscum contagiosum.
  • Turns out I have molluscum contagiosum all over my body. I had a full on OCD panic attack and clawed at my face. Hashtag fail.
  • This has led to even more body image issues because I feel dirty and it looks like I am a teenager with serious acne all over my chest, torso, neck, shoulders, and face. 
  • And I haven’t worn makeup in almost a year. Not good for the anorexic trying to cover up and feel pretty. To not be seen as me all flawed.
  • Huge melt down by Dramama. Somehow my fault.
  • Other coworkers smelled my blood in the water and came after me. Trying to say I’m incompetent and can’t do my job. Didn’t matter that I had escalated asking for help and they all refused. They all played victim. 
  • I’m so sick of nonvictims playing victims in the situation. Because somehow it always ends up my fault.
  • Then turns out my boss straight up had told my coworkers to not talk to me because they “distract” me and I need to do my job. So they feared for their jobs. I was isolated.
  • I went to work angry and bitter. Couldn’t win. Well still can’t. Not sure how me wanting there to be a positive and happy work environment is such a bad thing. I throw parties and organize out of office events. I’m such a bitch. Quick ignore her!
  • I fell in the shower, again.
  • My breathing isn’t getting much better

In summary, toxic work environment. Cannot breathe and still injured from falls so unable to exercise. This leaves me feeling extremely fat and the door open for Ed’s voice. I have molluscum contagiosum [from someone else’s house towels or the massage place I go to] so I can’t wear makeup until it’s all gone. I can’t cover up my insecurities or make myself up with false confidence. Feeling really ugly. My trust is just so fucked up as if it wasnt to start with because of all the stuff at work.

So what did I do with all this in my plate?

A-V-O-I-D-A-N-C-E

😀

I lived minute to minute because it was all I could process; all I could do from losing it.

Thus, I apologize for not being as bloggy and transparent through this whole process as some may have liked.

But this is how I do when I’m drowning.