Just a Pause?

I feel like I’m some selfish demanding brat. Because that’s all I’m asking for.

A pause.

A pause in the constant negativity and harassment that is my life. A moment to enjoy my accomplishments. A moment to celebrate my small victories.

One small pause!!

I’ve been so stressed out. I met PC’s siblings two weekends ago and then last week as I’m coming down off the hormones of stress from that I find out I’m meeting his friends this weekend.

Two weekends in a row. And all over food.

I am a vegetarian. But I will find something anywhere and everywhere. I’ll still be self conscious because well I only eat lettuce and potatoes really. But I don’t make a deal of it and I always play it cool. Others stress out more than I let on I am.

We went to a Brazilian “steakhouse”–quote because it was a restaurant really. In all my anxiety to meet his friends and deal with the food, I nailed it all. It was one massive success for Cassie!

I tried hella new foods!! Ok 3 things but for an anorexic who can’t even do that in a safe controlled environment that’s like —I just can’t even put it into words!!

I ended up liking the stuff I tried!! It’s safe to say I can eat Brazilian food now!! That’s a whole other category of food for me!! That means I eat Italian, American, Israeli, Mexican, and Brazilian!!

Ok that was overwhelming to write and read. :/

I loved his friends. We all clicked. So much so we went out for beers after.

I was just floating.

And I hold on to that.

Then I had a wonderful picnic lunch with my man. We tried to rollerblade after. I lost it. My feet hurt so bad I barely made it a block. My arches could not do it.

I completely shut down. I just want to cut my feet off!! Rollerblading is supposed to be how I lose weight and tone up–fast!! I failed myself and PC!!

So much for the perfect weekend…

Wait. What’s that?

My life can’t even have a mild pause for pleasure to a minute degree?

I get an irate call from my mother–my grandmother is dying.

And I am a horrible person because I am mot there to support my family as I always am. I am taking care of me for once.

Yes. This is truly a blessing we have been waiting on for years. She is severely demented. She hasn’t remembered me in about 4 years, let alone her kids in 3. She’s happy at the age she is at.

But elder care in the US is some of the most horrendous abysmal care you would ever see. If it were puppies people would protest and the caretakers would be locked up and destroyed. But there is no respect for the elderly.

Our frequent visits is what gets her the somewhat crap care she has. Ugh.

Anyways. She’s in her late 90s and life has caught up to her. She is DNR/DNI [aka let her die it’s what she and our family wants]. This place keeps fighting us. Funny since they let her sit in a urine filled diaper when she’s completely continent and they don’t want to take her to the bathroom. But her death they don’t want?!

It would bring our family peace knowing she is in a better place with her husband and friends. And selfishly one less stress for me.

She was my primary caretaker when I was in high school. And I have to watch her child cope with this drawn out process.

All I want is a pause in life.

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3 thoughts on “Just a Pause?

  1. I don’t think you’re a horrible person, or selfish. Nobody can be there for others 110% of the time. I’ve lost my grandmothers, and the second loss was especially difficult. It’s a horrible time, but I hope the peace you and your family want will come x

    Liked by 1 person

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