Archive | May 2016

Just Me

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Time Summary

I took some blog time off since my grandma died.

I always thought that when I started this blog two things would happen: 1) I would find catharsis and 2) I would inspire people and have hundreds if not a thousand readers–touching their lives because they, too, were plagued by the same issues.

I keep finding heartbreak that I do not have the hundreds of readers–I always see a surge when I hit a stride of what might seem like proana content but I am trying to prove the struggles of anorexia. Then those readers always disappear within months, as most eating disorder followers do.

So, I need to focus on this as my catharsis.

But it feels so selfish. And I struggle with that.

I also struggle with reliving the horrors of my life. I lived through it once. Why would I want to do it again, especially when my best friend, avoidance, preaches against that?

Many times I have opened the app or formulated posts in my head.

And many times I backed out because it was too much to handle.

Because, yes everyone has their shits and borrow in their life. But Cherry always reminded me that I needed to stop downplaying my own.

And I have radically accepted that my life is one dark cursed shitstorm.

  • My grandma died.
  • That coping has been rough.
  • I work with tyrrants whom have displayed the same mannerisms as my previous job. Thus it has been proven same institution, same mentality no matter the department. 
  • I have begun, and still am going through, physical therapy. 
  • I went to Disneyland with PC–so much stress because I gained weight and it turns out my shorts didn’t fit. Total melt down.
  • I relapsed again.
  • On the way down to Disbeyland, I saw a relative who is one of the biggest contributors to my anorexia. She even has written me out of her will when I was 14 years old because I couldn’t be bought off. Trying to fix it but that was intense.
  • While in Disneyland I was in the middle of an epic fight with one of my best friends: Cindy.
  • PC and I had a wonderful time! It was magical!
  • Yet I still was obsessed with food and being fat. And being in control and things being perfect.
  • The Tinkerbell 5k was beyond emotionally stressful. I had been dreaming and training for it before my injury 6 months ago. In PT they told me positively NO running. In ED therapy they told me NO running. I’m not a quitter-I finish what I start. So I decided to walk it. But when I was there, in the moment, my hypergymnasia kicked in. And I ran. I really hurt myself but I was so proud of my fat ass–I cried at the finish line. First run since November! With an entire side of my body seriously injured and lungs too. That, is anorexia.
  • Been depressed since because I can’t work out.
  • Anxiety has increased.
  • Eating has decreased.
  • PC had surgery and I was his primary caretaker.
  • I didn’t sleep for 2.5 weeks.
  • I ate fast food. First time in probably 5 years. My body fought back. I was out for 4 days. That’s anorexia.
  • My car died. Like completely. My car PTSD went through the roof. 
  • I had to buy a new [used] car. After dropping $$ on the other car for repairs because “she’s in great condition you’re fine” assholes.
  • Car PTSD.
  • Did I mention car PTSD?
  • Now I’m down hella cash and flipping the fuck out.
  • PC and I are looking at places together because in a few months we are living together.
  • I met PC’s parents.
  • Then both of our parents met.
  • I have no free time because it’s in therapy of some sort.
  • People at work keep trying to fuck me over. I wish I could explain but it would be a HIPPA violation.
  • All I want to do is sleep. Because it is lacking in my life the last few weeks.

So the current theme here: stress on stress on stress.

Just not sure where to go here. I feel like I’m drowning. And my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday.