Archive | June 2016

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Baby Insight

Went to one of my nephews birthday parties today. Can’t believe how fast kids grow up.

The hardest part of it all?

Surprisingly wasn’t the fact that PC and I were the only ones without kids at the party. Nope. Nor was it all the food that was everywhere.

It was that some chick was acting like she was always with my nephew and I was jealous. He turned 2. And I have seen him maybe 5 times? And we live 15 minutes apart.

I was so elated when he recognized me and talked to me! I wasn’t a total stranger this time.

But this chick… Taking care of my baby… I thought she was the daycare assistant.

No no. She’s the estranged relative. Like literally. The kind that I’m sparing the MTV saga style dramatics because it’s not pretty. Needless to say she has forced her way into this family’s life.

And she has stolen my role.

And I don’t know how I feel about it.

Replaced? Abandoned? Left out?

Clearly jealousy.

I was placed in the adult friend role against my wishes. Even given my history with kids, I rarely see my nephew because Cindy wants “adult girl time” with me. I feel deprived.

Happy birthday, kiddo. Your Aunty is a mess.

Images & Input

Or both? [read a book for book club disturbing as hell has me all like Fry up there].

Currently how I’m feeling. Still. Even have the anxiety lovey at work, too.

This one is for all my people out there in lon distance relationships with significant others in the future! You know who you are ;}

I just really like this one. I keep reminding myself of this picture because I’m in the midst of major chronic stress and anxiety right now. And damnit my ducks are all in the same pond!!

OITNB Wisdom: Pain & Suffering

Another beautiful moment. I cried with Pennsatucky because in my therapy this moment and first quote has really been emphasized.

Is it DBT? CBT? Who knows because it’s very real and amazing life advice.

If you can, I recommend googling for this clip because words cannot capture the raw emotion that was captured so well by the actresses. Truly depicts my turmoil.

Sidebar [and spoiler if you haven’t seen past Season 2], Pennsatucky was raped and this is a moment where she reflects on that pain, suffering, and forgiveness.

Pennsatucky: Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?

Big Boo: Oh I can’t wait to hear this…

Pennsatucky: Ya well you should hear because pain is something that … Pain is always there because Life is freakin painful ok? But suffering is a choice. 

And you my friend, it’s not my right to say, but you’re suffering! 

Forgiveness. You need to move on Boo.

I forgave him for me. And I think you are capable of doing something like that. 

OITNB Wisdom: Anorexia

Orange is the New Black Season 4 is on Netflix. Clearly I am bingeing; I am obsessed.

This show just spits sooo much wisdom, honesty, and truth.

Case in point: this quote.

Pennsatucky walks up to Big Boo, who is reading on her bunk, and throws a bunch of snacks and junk food on her bed next to her.

Big Boo: Is this like that thing that anorexics do where they get jealous that other people are skinny and they try to make em fat.?


Believe what you want. But this is my thought.

I believe we have deeper connections with some people. Like we can sense when something is wrong or off with that person; sense their distress.

I have it with a few people. Maybe because I chose to foster those connections and relationships–who knows!

That is just the background for my freaky intuition that I didn’t realize I was having.

The past few months I have had horrendous bloating, spotting, weight gain, and specific weight gain in my stomach.

With that has come severe irrational thoughts of me being pregnant. Never ending ruminations.

It’s not possible right now–if I was I’d be dead.

But the fat and weight gain just hike up the paranoia.

I received a call from one of my bests tonight: “I have big news” “You’re pregnant!!”

Not a beat was dropped. I surprised even myself for knowing that! Yet somehow I knew.

Ya how the fuck I would know that is a miracle! They weren’t even trying yet. The last discussion was a joke about how she gets a year till they start trying. She had wanted more time.

Alas, here we are.

Excited. Nervous. Praying for a girl 💎💅🏻🍼🎀

But maybe my body was sympathizing and in tune with her–fake pregnancy and all. Get fat to support.

Yay for her!! Fuck my body!

It can stop now.