Went to one of my nephews birthday parties today. Can’t believe how fast kids grow up.
The hardest part of it all?
Surprisingly wasn’t the fact that PC and I were the only ones without kids at the party. Nope. Nor was it all the food that was everywhere.
It was that some chick was acting like she was always with my nephew and I was jealous. He turned 2. And I have seen him maybe 5 times? And we live 15 minutes apart.
I was so elated when he recognized me and talked to me! I wasn’t a total stranger this time.
But this chick… Taking care of my baby… I thought she was the daycare assistant.
No no. She’s the estranged relative. Like literally. The kind that I’m sparing the MTV saga style dramatics because it’s not pretty. Needless to say she has forced her way into this family’s life.
And she has stolen my role.
And I don’t know how I feel about it.
Replaced? Abandoned? Left out?
I was placed in the adult friend role against my wishes. Even given my history with kids, I rarely see my nephew because Cindy wants “adult girl time” with me. I feel deprived.
Happy birthday, kiddo. Your Aunty is a mess.
Currently how I’m feeling. Still. Even have the anxiety lovey at work, too.
This one is for all my people out there in lon distance relationships with significant others in the future! You know who you are ;}
I just really like this one. I keep reminding myself of this picture because I’m in the midst of major chronic stress and anxiety right now. And damnit my ducks are all in the same pond!!
Another beautiful moment. I cried with Pennsatucky because in my therapy this moment and first quote has really been emphasized.
Is it DBT? CBT? Who knows because it’s very real and amazing life advice.
If you can, I recommend googling for this clip because words cannot capture the raw emotion that was captured so well by the actresses. Truly depicts my turmoil.
Sidebar [and spoiler if you haven’t seen past Season 2], Pennsatucky was raped and this is a moment where she reflects on that pain, suffering, and forgiveness.
Pennsatucky: Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?
Big Boo: Oh I can’t wait to hear this…
Pennsatucky: Ya well you should hear because pain is something that … Pain is always there because Life is freakin painful ok? But suffering is a choice.
And you my friend, it’s not my right to say, but you’re suffering!
Forgiveness. You need to move on Boo.
I forgave him for me. And I think you are capable of doing something like that.
Orange is the New Black Season 4 is on Netflix. Clearly I am bingeing; I am obsessed.
This show just spits sooo much wisdom, honesty, and truth.
Case in point: this quote.
Pennsatucky walks up to Big Boo, who is reading on her bunk, and throws a bunch of snacks and junk food on her bed next to her.
Big Boo: Is this like that thing that anorexics do where they get jealous that other people are skinny and they try to make em fat.?
Believe what you want. But this is my thought.
I believe we have deeper connections with some people. Like we can sense when something is wrong or off with that person; sense their distress.
I have it with a few people. Maybe because I chose to foster those connections and relationships–who knows!
That is just the background for my freaky intuition that I didn’t realize I was having.
The past few months I have had horrendous bloating, spotting, weight gain, and specific weight gain in my stomach.
With that has come severe irrational thoughts of me being pregnant. Never ending ruminations.
It’s not possible right now–if I was I’d be dead.
But the fat and weight gain just hike up the paranoia.
I received a call from one of my bests tonight: “I have big news” “You’re pregnant!!”
Not a beat was dropped. I surprised even myself for knowing that! Yet somehow I knew.
Ya how the fuck I would know that is a miracle! They weren’t even trying yet. The last discussion was a joke about how she gets a year till they start trying. She had wanted more time.
Alas, here we are.
Excited. Nervous. Praying for a girl 💎💅🏻🍼🎀
But maybe my body was sympathizing and in tune with her–fake pregnancy and all. Get fat to support.
Yay for her!! Fuck my body!
It can stop now.
I’ve hit the anxiety chaos point again. The one where I am so stressed out and anxious that I cannot remember a damn thing.
I forgot to take my pain meds this am.
I’m grateful to my amazing boyfriend who went out of his way to deliver them to me.
Because I haven’t even told y’all yet: PC and I are moving in together.
Yes I should be excited and squealing like a school girl.
But my anxiety and Ed’s voice are on repeat: he’s going to see the real you and bail, you’re too fat to be loved [ive gained a lot of weight lately], he’s going to back out, it’s all a delusion, I’m trapped in another mental reality or dream, I haven’t coped with this yet, wtf omg change.
Ya I need to cope with the change.
The big change.
The one I told my therapy team. About my anorexia.
Ya if I can break this cycle I’m sure I’ll have positive steps forward. Less walls!
I don’t think. Wait. Nope. I’m not ready to let go of anorexia.
I’m way too fat. Like pushing 250 again at least. Ya go ahead and vomit because I have been. It’s horrendous.
Where does it come from?! I’m not even fucking eating!! I’m too stressed out and anxious to eat! Last week I was so stressed out by a situation I was vomitting twice a day!! HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME GAIN WEIGHT?!?! Someone fucking clue me in!!
And then now I’m forgetting shit.
I need a trip. Psychotic. Drug. Anything to escape because reality blows.
People are cruel and ruthless; always taking their personal issues out on me like I’m their little punching bag.
Mindfulness says live in the moment and that is all I’m trying to do. Even if it is biting me in the ass.
It’s been a long and crappy week.
In addition to the birthday drama [see previous post if you want to even trek that], I have been enjoying panic attacks daily.
Earlier this week, I was enjoying multiple full blown panic attacks a day. But I can’t use my emergency drug because it would relax me and unleash the sadness of my birthday that is pent up. Fun, right?
So what has me bouncing and generating new stomach ulcers?
I harness strong feelings on it that I just won’t even publish. But what should be known is I feel like if you are diagnosed with any form of panic disorder, you should automatically be dismissed.
I’ve been vomitting from this!! It’s horrible!!
These games and lack of control! I can’t even control my life as is and they do this?!
It’s always: call back between 11 and 12 noon. Then I vomit and have tunnel vision panic attacks. Then they tell me to call back after 5pm. Where I just panic and call. To be told to call the next day between 11 and 12 noon….
You have 1 hour to report. It’s impractical. And while on telephone standby, you’re not excused from work. ?!?!?!? Just anxiety provoking!!! <—ulcers
Add to this my boss who had her own page if attack because she’s pressured me that I can’t get jury duty or be activated. Xx like I chose this!!! Let’s add stress!! <—ulcers
Tears. Ulcers. Stress. Vomit. Headaches. Panic attacks.
I’m barely functional at work. Coming down off a panic attack takes several hours. I’m so sleepy. I usually sleep right after panic attacks.
Also having some health crap. Getting fatter and fatter. Gone up a size. <—panic+hair loss
Shoulder is killing me. Something’s wrong more so than usual.
I just want to be at the gym for 3hours/day. I also want to get daily massages. And sleep a lot. And not hurt.
Society, you torture me enough!!! PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
It’s been a long week.
A long and unpleasant one. I want to get as far away from my birthday as possible.
PC made it amazing and gave me what I wanted that he was capable of. [he is still physically recovering himself]. Emotionally showered me and spoiled me.
I had hopes, high expectations it turns out, that this year people would remember my birthday.
The only phone call: just one of my sisters. That’s right just one.
I avoided Facebook for two days.
I was seeking validation for my existence, though. Since no one seemed to remember on my birthday. Or after.
I should be used to it; the let down and disappointment.
People graduate. It’s summer. Oh I can keep creating excuses. But it still hurts and I still cry.
I was excited for work, though. We go all out for birthdays. Decorate each others’ cubicles/desks. Balloons. Fancy cake of the birthday person’s liking. Card. Someone always does flowers. At least this would demonstrate that I am appreciated; validate my existence in this world.
I showed up to work and no balloons. No flowers. The decorations I did have came solely from my friend. I am so grateful for what she did. And I cannot wait to do her birthday!
But no cake or card from the office came. They didn’t care. They are all wrapped up in their self entitled problems and drama.
They wonder why it’s toxic and people are quitting? It’s their own damn fault!!
I was weepy all day. And the next. And the day after that.
But I lost it when they decided to throw a party for the 4 of us who have birthdays this week and the 4 people who graduated. With a cake that said congrats grad. For 8 people.
Total shit. I don’t exist. I am nothing. My feelings don’t count.
For once I stood up for myself. I didn’t go to the party.
It was beyond hurtful! I had to share? And with graduates?! No. I am on the social organization committee. I am the reason those spoiled brats get what they do for their birthdays. And they had the audacity to tell me it hurt their feelings that I didn’t go to the party.
So they have tried to denigrate me and say I am entitled/childish/bratty for wanting my own cake.
I spend over $30 of my own cash on each of these brats so they can have a special day so they never feel the way I do. And they get a $50 specialized cake. I got a fucking $10 graduation cake that was dedicated to 8 people…I’m sorry but how am I not supposed to be hurt?!
I went back to my black and white scale: I’m done doing this shit for others when they can’t do something simple for me.
It’s left me crushed and crying. It plays on all my fears and Ed thoughts.
“But they have a lot going on.”
And the war in my head, struggle to survive, fight with food, and clash with society is clearly nothing.