Je Déteste 

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I hate my birthday.

It is an utter reminder how much of a failure I am.

How I haven’t accomplished the things I expected to since my last birthday. And this is a major one which society keeps reminding me how I haven’t met a lot of things.

I’m not married. I’m not in my dream / trained for job. I don’t have my Masters yet. I don’t have kids [mixed feelings]. I live with my parents. I don’t get to do what I want when I want to.

I’m still really really fat.

I have ballooned up in the last few weeks.

The worst thing ever before a birthday.

I hate birthdays because it’s all about food. And I just got back from flying across the country to the south to see some family. Where it’s all about the food. Deep fat fried food.

Still psychologically coping from being surrounded by it. My mother started following me into bathrooms at one point.

But I hate my birthday because people forget it. It’s in June. People are graduating, out for summer, on vacation, etc. they are self absorbed.

While I go out of my way to ensure others aren’t forgotten, I am.

Facebook? Horrible slap in the face. 1,000+ friends and only 5 manage to post “hbd”?

Talk about invalidating me and my existence!!

Hence why over the years I’ve pulled away. And each year, my therapists tell me to avoid Facebook for at least a few days after my birthday. To emotionally take care of my self first and focus on the self care–not others.

Last year I made the mistake and went on. I was destroyed by family. No cards. No calls. No texts. You would think I’m some raging bitch who beats kittens.

No, I’m the anorexic who is self sacrificing, takes shit from others, tolerates the invalidation, and attracts toxic relationships.

I have already heard from my toxic ex boyfriends who are probably looking for my sex because they know I’m a good bang. They always show up around my birthday. Never fails.

The difference this year is I have PC who is amazing. And he has given me a great one. We found a place together! Of course while I was across the country and stressed out, but I am leaving my toxic home!!

But even with his greatness, it still can’t outweigh all the rejection from everyone else I know is coming.

I feel constantly sick in the stomach; ready to vomit. I have been so stressed out I am having diarrhea. I am physically exhausted.

Je déteste mon anniversaire. Je déteste les personnes. Je déteste la société.

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2 thoughts on “Je Déteste 

  1. Happy Birthday. Maybe it’s an ED thing LoL, Je deteste mon anniversaire aussi! However, I love being around others, at least I feel better around others even though I’m an introvert. I took my birth date off of FB for the reason you stated. Your T is right!!! I have successfully avoided FB for over 2 years but for different. I only recently returned bc I was on some “launch team for a book I reviewed and it required my FB presence. I reengaged for about a month and finally said it was enough once the book actually got published. Anyways, did I say happy birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

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