It’s My Birthday and I’ve Been Crying But Don’t Want To

It’s been a long week.

A long and unpleasant one. I want to get as far away from my birthday as possible.

PC made it amazing and gave me what I wanted that he was capable of. [he is still physically recovering himself]. Emotionally showered me and spoiled me.

I had hopes, high expectations it turns out, that this year people would remember my birthday.

The only phone call: just one of my sisters. That’s right just one.

I avoided Facebook for two days.

I was seeking validation for my existence, though. Since no one seemed to remember on my birthday. Or after.

I should be used to it; the let down and disappointment.

People graduate. It’s summer. Oh I can keep creating excuses. But it still hurts and I still cry.

I was excited for work, though. We go all out for birthdays. Decorate each others’ cubicles/desks. Balloons. Fancy cake of the birthday person’s liking. Card. Someone always does flowers. At least this would demonstrate that I am appreciated; validate my existence in this world.

I showed up to work and no balloons. No flowers. The decorations I did have came solely from my friend. I am so grateful for what she did. And I cannot wait to do her birthday!

But no cake or card from the office came. They didn’t care. They are all wrapped up in their self entitled problems and drama.

They wonder why it’s toxic and people are quitting? It’s their own damn fault!!

I was weepy all day. And the next. And the day after that.

But I lost it when they decided to throw a party for the 4 of us who have birthdays this week and the 4 people who graduated. With a cake that said congrats grad. For 8 people.

Total shit. I don’t exist. I am nothing. My feelings don’t count.

For once I stood up for myself. I didn’t go to the party.

It was beyond hurtful! I had to share? And with graduates?! No. I am on the social organization committee. I am the reason those spoiled brats get what they do for their birthdays. And they had the audacity to tell me it hurt their feelings that I didn’t go to the party.

So they have tried to denigrate me and say I am entitled/childish/bratty for wanting my own cake.

I spend over $30 of my own cash on each of these brats so they can have a special day so they never feel the way I do. And they get a $50 specialized cake. I got a fucking $10 graduation cake that was dedicated to 8 people…I’m sorry but how am I not supposed to be hurt?!

I went back to my black and white scale: I’m done doing this shit for others when they can’t do something simple for me.

It’s left me crushed and crying. It plays on all my fears and Ed thoughts.

“But they have a lot going on.”

And the war in my head, struggle to survive, fight with food, and clash with society is clearly nothing. 

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