I’ve hit the anxiety chaos point again. The one where I am so stressed out and anxious that I cannot remember a damn thing.
I forgot to take my pain meds this am.
I’m grateful to my amazing boyfriend who went out of his way to deliver them to me.
Because I haven’t even told y’all yet: PC and I are moving in together.
Yes I should be excited and squealing like a school girl.
But my anxiety and Ed’s voice are on repeat: he’s going to see the real you and bail, you’re too fat to be loved [ive gained a lot of weight lately], he’s going to back out, it’s all a delusion, I’m trapped in another mental reality or dream, I haven’t coped with this yet, wtf omg change.
Ya I need to cope with the change.
The big change.
The one I told my therapy team. About my anorexia.
Ya if I can break this cycle I’m sure I’ll have positive steps forward. Less walls!
I don’t think. Wait. Nope. I’m not ready to let go of anorexia.
I’m way too fat. Like pushing 250 again at least. Ya go ahead and vomit because I have been. It’s horrendous.
Where does it come from?! I’m not even fucking eating!! I’m too stressed out and anxious to eat! Last week I was so stressed out by a situation I was vomitting twice a day!! HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME GAIN WEIGHT?!?! Someone fucking clue me in!!
And then now I’m forgetting shit.
I need a trip. Psychotic. Drug. Anything to escape because reality blows.
People are cruel and ruthless; always taking their personal issues out on me like I’m their little punching bag.
Mindfulness says live in the moment and that is all I’m trying to do. Even if it is biting me in the ass.