Not really sure how I feel.
Glad PC saw how my dad was a total asshole.
Sad that PC saw it.
Embarrassed that PC saw me weak.
Saw how my father and parents have refused to help me at all with my move process and then outright refuse to come with me the day of my move.
I don’t understand why I’m not good enough. I can’t figure it out at all. Like wtf goes through their heads as parents?
They said they would pay for my moving truck.
Both times my delinquent sister moved, my parents: paid, emotionally helped, and physically helped. They were all over it. They bought her things for the move; for her new place.
Same as my other sister. Paid for her stuff too.
But me? The oldest who strives for everything and perfection and has pretty much damn achieved it compared to her siblings?!
No offers to do laundry. No help packing boxes. Not even interested in seeing the new place.
My mother faked sick and stayed home one day to watch. Nothing else. Stresses me out more.
The negative commentary and critiquing.
I cried in front of PC. I lost it. I cracked.
I need out.
I can’t be in this toxic environment anymore. Where I’m told I look fat or pregnant. Where I’m yelled at and belittled. Where I have to cower and am a victim so that I don’t start shit or step on toes. Not buying food because my mother says it’s a waste of my money I need to save it. Too old for that shit.
So I’m lying here, in my bare bones childhood bedroom, and I don’t know how I feel. All my safety items are packed. So glad to leave these toxic people behind. So scared of the unknown. Where all the food places are. Where all my safe places are. All the backstreets.
So ready to start over; start my life. It’s like college all over again. Except this time I’m not letting the guilt of this toxic family bring me back to save them. They’ve ruined and destroyed enough of my life. They don’t support me. Positive vibes only.
Probably why I’m feeling so anxious right now even with the Ativan on board.
Tomorrow’s the day. Tomorrow is officially the start to my real recovery. I’ve lost one of my major excuses.
Lying here looking at all the old memories, I’m ready to let go but so sad for it to go. A lot of comfort in the past because we know what happened. But living in the past is Depression.
I just want to be loved. For who I am and what I offer.