Archive | August 2016

Quote- Love & Hate

“There’s a Korean word my grandma taught me. It’s called jung. It’s the connection between two people that can’t be severed, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them; you can’t ever completely shake them loose of you; you will always have tenderness in your heart for them.”- Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You

How much I relate to this. This quote stopped me short when I heard it [doing the whole audiobook thing right now].

It takes a lot for me to hate someone. I hate so very few. Part of the whole PLURR lifestyle I live.

People who have hurt me and I hate I still think of. You know you’re fucked when you’re literally dead to me; when I feel nothing. This must be why.

What Did I Do?!

Wtf did I do wrong do deserve so much unjust in my life? In such short periods of time?

I still don’t have my therapist because insurance companies are a fucking scamming joke. I’m barely hanging on.

I hate how at my job everyone gets away with murder and takes time off allll the time. I’ve been sick. Again. I should have had a week off but took 2 days. Bad idea. Still got shit for it.

And I just got slapped with a big ass bullshit fuck you by the state of California.

So I just lay curled in bed crying, praying to just have life end, while PC held me.

And all I kept thinking is “I can’t handle the world right now I’m so fucking done I can’t even”.

So I need a day off to deal with something and I text my boss and my response is that I’ve already taken too much time off.

For me to literally survive right now I need the rest of the week off. And I’ve had a total of 3 sick calls out. But everyone else in the department calls out sick at least once a week and no that is not an exaggeration. Plus their use of their nonexistent PTO while I have several hundred unused hours. Or the fact that they leave to go home early everyday.

I can’t tucking live in a world anymore where people have no respect for others [oh ya some one straight up used my parking spot and left all their meal trash], accountability, or responsibility.

It is a beyond unfair world. Beyond unjust.

I mean I’m the morbidly obese anorexic. How much more unfair do I deserve and wtf did I do?!

Seriously Society?!


We only hope he can keep it off…..

And they are nicer to men than women.

Ya I got sucked into the article and I fell hard. And of course I feel fat. But society doesn’t help when they make those sly little digs.

Shopping Sales with Ed’s Voice

Oh just perusing through a website recently because they are having massive sales.

I decided to take a look at their jewelry thinking that maybe I’ll find something cute as a holiday gift for a friend or maybe a little something for myself.

I see a section that is “body jewelry” and am thinking oh, awesome, anklets–even though my cankles are hideous in them. Man I used to rock them alllll the time though…you know, when I was thin.

Well instead I find something I’m in love with. Something Ed’s voice wants me to achieve and right now. Something that, even in my thinnest days, would never work thanks to how my body is destined to be shaped.

Instant hatred. Jealousy. Deep envy. Desires to slash fat off my body.

Why can’t I be thin? Why can’t I have body parts like everyone else; fit into common people clothes? Be able to never have to try things on because my size is always the same so I can just blindly buy?

This self hatred spiral. How was it all triggered?

One piece of jewelry. One I want so bad. One that realistically no one is probably even wearing. And yet, rationality is gone.

Ed’s voice is loud and clear.

Is It A…Sign?

I believe in signs. No not like “Stop” signs or posters. I mean in signs from G-d, premonitions, omens, foretellings; that sort of thing.

Sometimes I’m oblivious to them and realize them after the fact.

Sometimes I think my therapists are going to classify me as another degree of psychosis because of them.

Well two weekends ago, my parents paid a visit to PC and I. The entire visit was my mother complaining and kvetching about my sister planning her wedding. Alllll wedding talk. Mind you, this sister [I have multiple and almost all are younger than me], is not even engaged yet but still planning her wedding.

So talk about awkward, drama, and stress! I was worried about PC feeling pressured! It turns out I felt more of the pressure!

A day or so later, somehow Disney weddings came up. Next thing I know, PC and I are talking about Disney weddings. Freaked me out!!

Fast forward like a week.

We decided to meet at a totally new and random British pub for dinner. While waiting, I was informed there would be pub quiz. Cool!

PC shows up and we are finishing our meal when the pub quiz theme is announced: weddings.

I had a panic attack.

It was too much!!

I’ve come to realize that in my life it was an unattainable dream. I accepted I would never be married. I’m slowly adjusting to the fact that it could happen with PC.

But all these signs and in such a short period of time?!? Too much!!

Then my sister calls to tell me she is officially engaged [yay for her–and yes the one who is actively planning her wedding]. So Andi has a ring on her finger. And it seems my parents are pissed it wasn’t me first?

The eldest of us fucked up here by cheating–she’s a waste of space and tg she’s adopted. No blood relation to that self centered whore. Now one of my younger sisters.

I don’t mention the others much because they are a lot younger and I’d rather keep them out of this. I raised them so they were more like my kids than my siblings I guess. Idk.

Anyways. Large family. Tons of drama. Wedding signs everywhere. And I’m just trying to cope with this step of living with my partner. I’m not ready for marriage. The thoughts have been giving me anxiety and panic!

I’m too fat to be in a gown and nowhere near my ideal so it just can’t happen.

So universe, take your signs back. They are too scary.

Ramblings

I wish I had something wonderful and wise to share.

But all I keep coming back to is how fat I am and how fat I feel.

I am still injured and exercise feels like a drug that I am desperately craving: I need to be going like 6 hours a day.

The olympics make it worse. Seeing the gymnasts reminds me of all old potentials and my wasted careers. My wasted flexibly and stiffness I harbor now.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick with a cold and unable to breathe –shoutout to asthma– sporting severe dizziness and some nausea.

People are so spoiled to overrate normalcy. 

No Real Answers

My lip being cyanotic has happened twice since but nothing as severe as before.

I saw the Doctor the next day. When I woke up, my lip was swelt. Like Angelina Jolie would be jealous.

I know people pay for what my lip swell level was, but for me it needed to go because I had no clue how it got there or why it was there.

It was then accompanied by severe nausea, serious chest pain, and GERD.

Overall diagnosis?

Two unrelated events.

I’m too stressed out [welcome to my world] and they believe I had a serious allergic reaction to something. They don’t know what though.

That scares me the most.

Oh goodie a new allergen that causes serious issues but we don’t know what!!

Because now my OCD tendencies just became full blown.

So back to my inhaler and Zantac [because it’s an antihistamine style medication for “heartburn” until that’s under control].

Once my lip died down, which was a full day later and waaaay wrinkly, I put myself back on Prilosec because it just plain works better for me! But antihistamine wise at least I didn’t pass out!!

But here I am, still exhausted and my throat feels swollen still. No cyanosis in a few days. My breathing is well short. I feel fat as all get out and my drive to lose weight is high aaaagain.

Pretty sure I have a cold too. But I can’t focus much because I’m so tired and out of it.

On the plus side, PC was such a stud during the whole thing. He went out on his own initiative and bought a state of the art HEPA filter that now sits by the head of my bed. He also did something else I can’t say on here because it’s a long story–just know it really touched my heart!! He really went all mama bear and I loved it!

It’s so nice that for once I’m not having to fight for myself by myself. Bizarre feeling but much appreciated.

With all this going on I was a shit and missed the dates! We had our half anniversary milestone [we celebrate on the halves so every 6 months].

And he got me flowers. Love this stud muffin!

So I’m still alive another day pondering why I have to be fat with now bad lungs and another allergen.

Because anorexia wasn’t enough to start with.