Shopping Sales with Ed’s Voice

Oh just perusing through a website recently because they are having massive sales.

I decided to take a look at their jewelry thinking that maybe I’ll find something cute as a holiday gift for a friend or maybe a little something for myself.

I see a section that is “body jewelry” and am thinking oh, awesome, anklets–even though my cankles are hideous in them. Man I used to rock them alllll the time though…you know, when I was thin.

Well instead I find something I’m in love with. Something Ed’s voice wants me to achieve and right now. Something that, even in my thinnest days, would never work thanks to how my body is destined to be shaped.

Instant hatred. Jealousy. Deep envy. Desires to slash fat off my body.

Why can’t I be thin? Why can’t I have body parts like everyone else; fit into common people clothes? Be able to never have to try things on because my size is always the same so I can just blindly buy?

This self hatred spiral. How was it all triggered?

One piece of jewelry. One I want so bad. One that realistically no one is probably even wearing. And yet, rationality is gone.

Ed’s voice is loud and clear.


6 thoughts on “Shopping Sales with Ed’s Voice

  1. Sorry you had such a triggering time πŸ‘ŽπŸ» to be honest, every shop sizes differently so I don’t know anybody that would always be able to instantly buy the right size! I doubt your body is the far, horrible thing you see it as. Ed makes us fixate and the imperfections get worse the longer you fixate. Hope you feel a bit calmer now x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ed does make us fixate, but sadly I had to go on a scale for my IUD exchange and somehow my lack of eating brought me back up over 240lbs…. Again!!! After being down to like 200. So I’m pretty agitated. It’s worse when the trigger thoughts become reality.

      They do size differently but I have these friends who know in each ship their size and just buy without trying. I hate them for it. Thanks, though! πŸ’‹πŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

      • They always try to weigh me when I go to get the contraceptive pill, and mostly now they don’t, as there’s other people who are responsible for my ED care. It’s such a stressful thing isn’t it! I had a “when fear becomes the reality” moment a few years ago.. When i rapidly gained after developing bulimia in my anorexia recovery. It was traumatic, and these moments stay with you 😦 perhaps your body is just really confused, metabolism wise and is holding on in case you never fed it again if you get me! I hope you’re ok, and I hope as you get further in your recovery, you will get more stability in your weight and health πŸ’œ

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s EXACTLY what’s been happening… Just unfortunately keeps triggering me back to anorexia habits so I’ve been stuck in the cycle. You have absolutely NO idea how validating that was to see that!! Thank you!!πŸ’•πŸ˜˜πŸ˜ Everyone thinks I’m always lying about having anorexia because I am overweight. It’s like, no I have no metabolism and then I want to starve because of that….

          Ya I just need to get back to recovery. Reality and Ed’s voice are blurring again and without a therapist it’s hard to tease them apart.

          Liked by 1 person

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