Oh just perusing through a website recently because they are having massive sales.
I decided to take a look at their jewelry thinking that maybe I’ll find something cute as a holiday gift for a friend or maybe a little something for myself.
I see a section that is “body jewelry” and am thinking oh, awesome, anklets–even though my cankles are hideous in them. Man I used to rock them alllll the time though…you know, when I was thin.
Well instead I find something I’m in love with. Something Ed’s voice wants me to achieve and right now. Something that, even in my thinnest days, would never work thanks to how my body is destined to be shaped.
Instant hatred. Jealousy. Deep envy. Desires to slash fat off my body.
Why can’t I be thin? Why can’t I have body parts like everyone else; fit into common people clothes? Be able to never have to try things on because my size is always the same so I can just blindly buy?
This self hatred spiral. How was it all triggered?
One piece of jewelry. One I want so bad. One that realistically no one is probably even wearing. And yet, rationality is gone.