Archive | October 2016

Seasonal Anxiety

Shoutout to my fellow eating disorder sufferers. Our season is approaching.

DBT Skills: Coping Bullet Journal

Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit. 

Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say. 

I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].

I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?

The Call Came

I am being transitioned to another doctor.

Ironically, while my therapist filled my spot and cut her hours, she basically needs closure with our relationship.


The fuck?!?!

I needed her. She wasn’t there for me.


I wanted to die.

She left me there.

For months.

Then she turfs me to someone else.

Yea must be hard for her.

Well the sick bitch in me is like –ya I’m SO anorexic I’ve broken two  therapists now!!

Yet I’m still getting fatter.

And earlier this week when I saw my psychiatrist I had to briefly relieve all my trauma of the past few months with no ability for treatment–just a tell her why I was so stressed and wanted to die thing. She had no clue. My therapist didn’t tell her shit.

Good communication team!!

So I’ve gained weight. Because I’m not eating.

I had to talk about that.

I resume treatment immediately because the insurance bullshit is dealt with.

I’ve been deemed acute/critical.

Because I am barely eating. Self harming. OCD high. Anxiety high. And treatment was abruptly cut three months ago when I was at a critical stage.

But the debate is on if I should be just outpatient.

Ha. We will see.

Goodbye old therapist later this week.

Just like waiting for your crush to call after a date, that long awaited call came.

And thankfully I’m still alive to take it. Ed didn’t kill me yet.

Therapy Update

Well so much for getting back to me by the end of the day. Two days later I heard from my therapist. Bitch basically doesn’t want to work with me. She’s turfing me off.

She did not even save my therapy spot. After all we went through with my work to secure a slot. And I’m part of an ongoing study about some bullshit immersion treatment for long term anorexia. I mean 3 years of therapy come the fuck on now!!

She’s made zero effort.

She’s “proposed me to the team to figure out what my next steps in care should be.”

Did I mention it’ll be at least another month before anyone could possibly see me?!

And her comment?!

I wish I could show you the screenshot but it would give too much away.

Why didn’t I seek lower cost care while the insurance was being figured out.

Yes she was fucking serious. Making me look non compliant and like I didn’t really want help.  

She failed to mention in my legally documented note that her visits are FREE UNDER MY INSURANCE THROUGH OUR INSTITUTION  and there end fucked me up. I can’t see anyone else because they are out of network so  no they are not lower cost, nothing is when I am supposed to have free.

So I lost it. Fucking again.

Thankfully that day I saw my primary. That ended with a suicide screen and a reminder that no I don’t actually have to hurt myself to get care even though that is what I am planning I can just walk into the ER and tell them I am having thoughts and they have to give me care.

I still doubt that since I can’t get it outpatient in critical need.

And of course the whole body swelling and bloating weight gain from starving makes me just look fat and overnurished. So no one takes me seriously again.

This is exactly why eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric disorders.

Insurance: Bane of My Existence 

The whole insurance debacle kept on going and going. It caused so much stress that it caused me to stop eating again, vomit, get reflux, and having horrid sleep. Worst of all, it brought back the severe anxiety why it causes organ pain. Like circa 2013.

It’s still hard for me to talk about this because I literally relive it thinking about it.

So what you can know for now is the insurance company decided to retract my coverage  for only my anorexia therapy appointments  after paying for some and tried to charge me upwards of $10k in bills. And I had to fight it all on my own. Because I’m a motherfucking bitch and a patient advocate. My doctor used the wrong billing code and someone entered me as an out of network user which if you knew the situation you would know it’s absolute bullshit.

So 3 months no anorexia treatment. Cut short because my doctor wasn’t getting paid. And she didn’t even file a claim like she said.

So I emailed her telling her it was all cleared when can I return to my usual scheduled appointments. She’ll get back to me.

No one takes me fucking seriously. I was literally left for dead. Even my therapist seems to not give a fuck. Can’t change cause she’s the only one on the plan.

Sooooo whyyyy am I fighting this? Why am I struggling to stay alive? To beat anorexia? No one else seems to care.

It’s tiring being the only one. I used to fight for my own privacy. It’s not worth it anymore.

This world is a toxic place.

The US is a joke politically. California is a pretentious state. People don’t care about each other anymore. I’m always my own fighter.

But yet I have to be thankful for this bs insurance because it could be worse…? Wait could it? Not sure right now because my health suffers way too much due to insurance alone.