Archive | December 2016

Stomach Flu

Oh ya. I got it. And not the vomiting kind. The diarrhea kind.

And it hurt. So bad.

For 4 days I peed out my booty. Ya over share I get it. But it was horrible!!

All I kept thinking about was laxatives. Was this what it was like? The cramping? The same response?

I mean I could just feel skinnier.

Granted I was severely dehydrated. I could barely keep up and out of the hospital. The hell I was going in there!!

All I ate was small bits of bread and gatorade. For 6 days.

Everything went right through me. Including my psych meds. I started to hallucinate and become delusional!!

I better have lost some damn weight.

I mean I’m still having stomach cramping, gas, and bloating. It’s not all done yet. Rehydrating still.

My poor booty is still so raw.

Desitin baby booty cream is my best friend.

Happy Holidays. Santa gave me the stomach flu.

And even if I lost weight from this, I’m not sure all this pain was worth it. Maybe because I am still in pain I feel that way.

Ed’s voice obvi feels differently. Like bring on round two for 20 pounds!!!

SO conflicting. Stupid eating disorders. So damn torn!!

RIP To a Voice for Mental IllnessĀ 

Carrie Fisher died today.

Sounds like she’s had a rough week of it, too. 

It’s disheartening to hear someone who has been so open about her struggles with bipolar disorder and subsequently drug addiction come to such a tragic end. 

RIP To a Voice that will not be forgotten. For her work, her struggles, and her ability to bring awareness to her struggles.

Thank you for everything.

New Year’s Goal Met

Success!!

Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now…

I completed one of my New Years Resolutions/goals.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of goals for myself on my iPod Touch so I would always have it with me. To obsessively obsess over. šŸ˜€

Anyways. One of these goals was to get back on track with something that fell off when I went to college–pleasure reading. I never had time. I accumulated books over those extensive never ending years [hey working full time and school full time is no joke!!].

Almost all was lost and I forgot how to get back into it. So much so I had started about fifteen books and never finished one. That was partially credited to the whole first major relapse with anxiety, hypomania, and inability to focus.

This year I was determined to just finish things.

Goal: read 50 books.

Sounds stupid easy to some I know. But for me, there were months where my energy was so low or I was too anxious I couldn’t do it. I was too overwhelmed. I went a couple of months not reading at all. Those compulsions drove me crazy!!

But I am proud to say, today I finished two books [one previously started] and made it to 50!!

There were times where I really thought I was not going to make it. It stressed me out because I was missing out on literature and expanding my mind!

My job and its hours really limit me on a lot but I found my own ways to sneak in reading.

The best part? It builds on one of the DBT Skills–building mastery. This in turn provides confidence. And right now I’m feeling so high!

No fear work will crush that!

But I met a major New Year’s goal. :]

Cassie?Ā 

Ok so I might have left y’all on quite a cliffhanger there… Seasonal anxiety has started what with this being the food months and all. And the whole starting a new therapist amidst wanting to die…

Let’s add a dash of continued work stressors, family drama, and other loss of control.

I had my first status asthmaticus [severe asthma attack]. Solid. Been super sick–the joys of malnutrition thanks to anorexia. Still dealing with the stress of my injuries.

Flew cross country to spend my first week ever with PC’s family on vacation. I was extremely stressed about this–would they accept me? Would I be good enough? All I want is to be part of a family and be accepted; to be appreciated. How was I going to go from barely 2 snacks and 1 “dinner” to eating meals in front of his observing family? Who, PS, are all thin like him and eat allll the time!

All in all the trip was amazing! We had a wonderful time and it was everything I have ever dreamed of in terms of acceptance from a partner’s family! Spent individual time with the parents, siblings, babies; even had double dates with the parents and the siblings! I felt at ease almost all the time except meals.

I did my cope ahead and tried to meal plan as best as I could. But the south is all meat based and a lot of fried foods. This is a stark contrast from California let me tell you!!

His family was also acutely aware and accommodating to my “vegetarianism” which made it harder for me to not eat and go unnoticed. I did, however, manage to skip breakfast every day to compensate.

I was constantly feeling sick. I had upgraded to 2 full normal people meals and 2 snacks with 1 dessert every day! Ick thinking back makes me sick again. My stomach wasn’t ready for that.

The only other significant thing has been therapy.

New style. I was nervous at first but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

I am now in eating disorder and anxiety therapy that is trauma based.

Yes. Whaaaaaat?! Trauma?!

If you have read my about me page you would see one of my diagnoses is PTSD. Well, it seems it extends a lot further than realized. All the recurring nightmares and thoughts–reliving things triggered by people/words/events. That is what we are going to tackle.

The thought being, treat the trauma, break some of the anxiety which reduces a lot of the stress and anxiety responses which are tightly linked with my anorexia.

Right now we have been fine tuning my DBT skills so that they are “natural occurrence” when the trauma portion starts.

I will definitely blog through that.

Nervous but hoping it works. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night. Work drama and stress is increasing the night terrors and nightmares. Poor PC. :[

And there I stand. Literally living hour to hour trying to survive. Hating many aspects but always looking for that rubbish silver lining.

Cassie is still around. She just shuts down when she is overwhelmed and there’s been too much new new.

And still fat because vicious cycle of not eating.