Archive | January 2017

Life is Just Such a…

Bitch.

I have been so stressed out!!

I had a major recertification that is beyond complicated to achieve.

I received the materials to prep around the time I had the stomach flu. That’s the amount of time needed to prep–a month. But I couldn’t because, well, I was extremely sick. Shit I still have gastritis! Add to that this never ending work stress!

I received a lot of hassle and grief for taking the two days off for the recertification course! Um…. Hello yall do stuff for your licenses so yall know! It’s a convenience to them when I am and am not a nurse. Cassie don’t play those games…..

Well needless to say I thought, knew, I was going to fail due to my lack of prep time. Coming home exhausted after work didn’t help.

Thanks to a miracle, I passed! Better yet, I passed the written on the first time! [First time I took it I failed the written and had to retake the written portion–only passed my skills practicum].

I was shocked! I was ecstatic! Not that I am not smart and capable, but everything was stacked against me!

I was high this weekend….sailing. A huge weight was off my shoulders. Confidence renewed.

Went into work like, “I can tolerate this because I am worthy even if they don’t recognize or appreciate me.”

And then the email came.

Our institution is terminating people. Out of the blue. No one knows who or why. Well why is “budget” but you don’t know if your job is safe. They are eliminating positions. More like the rationale of the positions cut.

I’m scared and anxious.

No one knows and tomorrow is D-day. It is a week long thing.

Will I ever get to live outside of crisis mode?!?! I mean this is not for lack of trying!!

Fuck you life. Just. Fuck. You!!!!!!!!

Freeing Myself: Babysteps 

I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.

Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.

Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.

SO I thought.

I found it making me stressed and depressed.

It was putting undue pressure on me.

Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!

Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.

2017 I need to be healthier.

And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.

Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.

✨Things I Want to Do✨

[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]

3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16

• cartwheel

• wear miniskirt with boots with fur

• wear visible belly rings

• wear bikini

• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014

• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11

• cut my hair short ✔️

• do the scorpion

• lay out and tan

• go swimming 

• take pictures

• get things for free

• be noticed

• round off

• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free

• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat

• eat wherever I want

• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)

• go to the gym and not be self conscious

• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself

• have my clavicles visible again

**took a dark turn around here**