Freeing Myself: Babysteps 

I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.

Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.

Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.

SO I thought.

I found it making me stressed and depressed.

It was putting undue pressure on me.

Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!

Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.

2017 I need to be healthier.

And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.

Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.

✨Things I Want to Do✨

[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]

3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16

• cartwheel

• wear miniskirt with boots with fur

• wear visible belly rings

• wear bikini

• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014

• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11

• cut my hair short ✔️

• do the scorpion

• lay out and tan

• go swimming 

• take pictures

• get things for free

• be noticed

• round off

• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free

• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat

• eat wherever I want

• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)

• go to the gym and not be self conscious

• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself

• have my clavicles visible again

**took a dark turn around here**

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2 thoughts on “Freeing Myself: Babysteps 

  1. Definitely a good step to delete the list. I’m guilty of having things I think I can only do when I’m *thin enough* but because that isn’t defined, it never comes! I think these expectations are a way for ED voices to keep hold of yiu

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s great you deleted that list. It was obviously more detrimental than helpful. I love making lists, too. I also list the perks of losing weight again!! (wear my short shorts, have sex and feel confident etc.etc.) When I’m really down and feeling hopeless I make a “Things to look forward to” one.

    Have you tried writing gratitude lists? Are you going to try another type of list?

    Liked by 1 person

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