OK life keeps happening and faster than I can turn out past posts to update.
Quick back story: please note this is not how I wanted to tell yall.
I am engaged.
Yes you read that right. Cassie is fucking engaged. For real life. MTV TRUE LIFE: I Am an Anorexic Who is Engaged.
Very mindfucking surreal. Derealization big time.
Anyways. The one thing of two I have dread the most about this whole wedding process is Ed’s voice and the combat that would ensue.
And when would it come up?
Two times to be exact: 1) wedding dress shopping and 2) walking down the aisle.
I do not….not want all eyes on me. People judging me. The dress makes me look fatter. Oh you see her juggling arms? She looks like a whore because I can see cleavage. Omg double chin?!
Honestly going naked sounds so much more appealing than the whole dress trying on.
My hand was forced and before I knew it there I was on 2.5mg of a benzodiazepam totally experiencing derealization.
Everyone else cries and is ecstatic and is pumped for this day. I’ve put it off for months. I cried going in. There is no “real dress moment” for me because none will make me feel pretty enough to be a bride. Ed and Edie are already on that.
I feel so unworthy. I watch as a skinny ass butch near me tries on the exact same dress I had on and of course she looks good. She has no books or hips. It fits perfect. She’s just having a joyous occasion. I’m trying to not cry.
Bridal gown shopping is not meant for girls/women with body image disorders. Period. And this needs to be fixed Stat.
I left exhausted and hating myself. I can’t deal with the world.
Of course I’m pmsing at the same time.
Fuck being a bride. Can I go toga?