OK life keeps happening and faster than I can turn out past posts to update.

Quick back story: please note this is not how I wanted to tell yall.

I am engaged.

Yes you read that right. Cassie is fucking engaged. For real life. MTV TRUE LIFE: I Am an Anorexic Who is Engaged.

Very mindfucking surreal. Derealization big time.

Anyways. The one thing of two I have dread the most about this whole wedding process is Ed’s voice and the combat that would ensue.

And when would it come up?

Two times to be exact: 1) wedding dress shopping and 2) walking down the aisle.

I do not….not want all eyes on me. People judging me. The dress makes me look fatter. Oh you see her juggling arms? She looks like a whore because I can see cleavage. Omg double chin?!

Honestly going naked sounds so much more appealing than the whole dress trying on.

My hand was forced and before I knew it there I was on 2.5mg of a benzodiazepam totally experiencing derealization.

Everyone else cries and is ecstatic and is pumped for this day. I’ve put it off for months. I cried going in. There is no “real dress moment” for me because none will make me feel pretty enough to be a bride. Ed and Edie are already on that.

I feel so unworthy. I watch as a skinny ass butch near me tries on the exact same dress I had on and of course she looks good. She has no books or hips. It fits perfect. She’s just having a joyous occasion. I’m trying to not cry.

Bridal gown shopping is not meant for girls/women with body image disorders. Period. And this needs to be fixed Stat.

I left exhausted and hating myself. I can’t deal with the world.

Of course I’m pmsing at the same time.

Fuck being a bride. Can I go toga?

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4 thoughts on “

  1. oh wow!!! Congrats on the engagement. You knew he was the one right away!

    I’m sorry about the Ed crap. I would love nothing more to be able to let me see you through my eyes. I know Ed messes with your perception of self but you are beautiful and i’m sure you look so beautiful in a wedding dress. If i could give you any gift in the world, it would be to let you see the real, beautiful, sassy, lovely you.

    That said, why not go for a non traditional dress??? It’s YOUR day. You wear what you want and feel good. It’s about starting a new life, not the dress. Have a toga wedding! lol. If it makes you feel better, do it. I think you should do anything you need to make the day fun for you and your fiancĂ©. I wish it was that easy…. xox.

    If you need a friend or a shoulder, i’m here. I’ve missed you but you’ve never left my heart. xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

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