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Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

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It’s That Time

I have mentioned a couple times how I love the PLUR lifestyle. And how I love EDM. And adore things that glow in the dark. That I enjoy painting my nails. So I was quite ecstatic when my sister Andie told me about China Glaze’s new collection Electric Nights. It glows under UV blacklights. I am freaking out I am so excited!!! 

I got my toosh on Ulta, the place I found it the cheapest, and bought each color. My sister got the glitters and the purples and sent me pictures. They are fabulush!!

Today’s picture(s) are of my order and the polishes! you just have to see the names!!!

SO CUTE!! I cannot wait till they arrive!! Perfect for my glow party PC and I will be doing later! 😛 K how cute are these lady?!?

   
  
A great way to keep the PLUR going during the hard times.  

Kik Educated and PLUR Video

As I was chatting on Kik I was also playing around seeing all the features available. 

There is a chance to chat with Spotify for playlist suggestions as well as Jam for song suggestions. I have fallen for Jam.

Jam gives you actual music videos. Pretty legit!!

Well my first one is one of my classic faves: Without You by David Guetta ft Usher. 

Want to watch it? Check out Without You by David Guetta ft. Usher

As I watched the video I craved being there and dancing with them. Being part of the the rave scene. Then the video. It just completely encompasses the whole raver and PLUR movement.

Yes it is cheesy. No it cannot happen that way. But my heart skipped a beat and felt at home when the continents united and all the dancers and ravers ran together–hugging–and danced together.

That, my friends, is PLUR.

Cheese Factor: Nacho

Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!

Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!

And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤

You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!

Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!

I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.

I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.

I am an open book.

I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.

I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.

This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.

As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.

I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.

Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.

I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.

Contact me:

•Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

•Kik: CassiexEdsxVoice

To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤

in it together

Cässïë

PLUR, Cassie, Ed’s Voice, & An Extra Player

I just had an awesome conversation where I introduced someone to the PLUR lifestyle. I am SO excited!!

Of course I am still high!! But apparently he said my passions were more apparent than usual… I am more open and free.

Ok so maybe he is technically the last guy I dated and we had hooked up a couple times. And I know PC does not want me hanging out with him because he and I banged. Even though the sex is dead to me and I care about this kid as a friend.

And especially now that he is making the effort to listen to and experience my lifestyle!! He listened! He is listening to my songs. My favorite EDM. I gave him some variety.

And PC told me to go to bed. 

I gave him my explanation why PLUR means so much to me.

Being a raver has such negative connotations but this guy never judges. Not that PC does.

But this kid did not cramp my high. He had a fun convo with me. Kept up with my passions. Let me explore myself.

Is that not one of the best parts of trips?

Here is mine.

Why I love the PLUR lifestyle:
[PLUR stands for Peace, Love, Unity, Respect]

  • I practice this. Daily. Naturally. When I rediscovered it I felt like I found my place; I fit in. This is me in 4 letters. Anyone who knows me agrees.
  • I am wearing a PLUR belly button right now to remind myself of who I am so I do not lose myself; my hidden reminder.
  • Even with all that is going on with me, I still seem to practice this. Naturally. It is my root instinct.
  • Automatic connections and friendships with those who believe in this lifestyle. 
  • I am still Jewish. But I do believe in PLUR and I am a raver. It is part of who I am.
  • The dancing. However you feel like. It is encouraged. I dance and when I do I just dgaf. I do me. Either you are dancing with me or are in my way so leave me alone. 
  • The colors. The glow in the dark.
  • The music. Duh.
  • They actually have artistry and skill.
  • Seeing peace in everyone; united together as one. Makes my heart happy.
  • The kandi. It endorses sharing. A craft that encourages sharing your skill and love with each other’s. It’s beautiful. 

My insight tonight:

  • Peace to those who hurt me, still. 
  • Love for all even if they don’t deserve it and continue to hurt me; you never know if you are the only one loving them. Because I can’t help that I’m a lover.

  • I’ll always hope for unity. I will always encourage it, endorse it, foster it. I am a leader. We need more of it.
  • And respect. It’s all I want.

Alright my head is heavy. I have PLUR on my mind. Maybe I’ll blog with my favorite PLUR and raver pics later on courtesy of Pinterest. 

I am going back to enjoying this rare opportunity.  Glitter and lava lamps going. Music caressing my skin and ears. Woozy. Nauseated.

GET IT!!