I saw this awesome project on Pinterest. It involves a mini 3 drawer system in which you organize things. In this project, you organize your coloring things.
I LOVE coloring! It is my zen. My go to self healing self care thing.
It also is an OCD thing. Arranging my coloring utensil of choice by color. Coloring in the lines. You get the point.
This project requires one to put all crayons in one drawer, all colored pencils in another drawer, and all markers in the third drawer.
Sooo simple right?
I like my crayons to go back in the exact spot they came from. No one is allowed to use my box of crayons because they might use them wrong. I own 6 boxes of the same type of crayons [1 for sharing] so that I have backup if anything goes wrong. They are to be used a certain way.
Yes you are thinking, dayam Cassie is crazy. I am thinking, I have control and it is perfect and how I left it… Exactly how I left it and will be the way I left it.
With the little I have ever had control of in my life, it is this I have come to rely on.
Was my OCD behavior bred? It is possible. My invalidating environment definitely fostered the behaviors.
Tonight I did it. I bit that crazy hard bullet. I mixed 3 boxes of crayons: 2-24 packs and 1-64 pack in one drawer. 2 boxes of colored pencils in a second drawer. 2 boxes of fine tip markers and 1 box of regular markers in the third drawer. They have all been mixed.
It looks so organized! I can easily access my coloring now and color more. I might actually use them now!
I mean I have to because they are all cross contaminated by each other. They can’t go back into their original boxes… No way of knowing now…And they cannot be mixed because that is just wrong to put them with someone that is not their crayon family…. they belong together!
Omg wtf have I done……
I am glad I am lying down. I was so proud of myself for the past hour. Now I have a headache and this is almost too much to bear.
Bite size pieces to process….
It seems there is some failure going on with WordPress.
I have tried to post a couple different posts now via the app, my usual method, and it has failed. It asked me to login which was weird, and when I created my posts and said error in posting and then in saving.
All my hardwork–gone. My thoughts. My expressions. My stresses gone. Add this to the stress. Sup WordPress you suck.
Can’t even upload a picture.
Story of my life.
I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.
Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.
Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.
SO I thought.
I found it making me stressed and depressed.
It was putting undue pressure on me.
Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!
Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.
2017 I need to be healthier.
And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.
Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.
✨Things I Want to Do✨
[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]
3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16
• wear miniskirt with boots with fur
• wear visible belly rings
• wear bikini
• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014
• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11
• cut my hair short ✔️
• do the scorpion
• lay out and tan
• go swimming
• take pictures
• get things for free
• be noticed
• round off
• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free
• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat
• eat wherever I want
• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)
• go to the gym and not be self conscious
• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself
• have my clavicles visible again
**took a dark turn around here**
Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now…
I completed one of my New Years Resolutions/goals.
At the beginning of the year, I made a list of goals for myself on my iPod Touch so I would always have it with me. To obsessively obsess over. 😀
Anyways. One of these goals was to get back on track with something that fell off when I went to college–pleasure reading. I never had time. I accumulated books over those extensive never ending years [hey working full time and school full time is no joke!!].
Almost all was lost and I forgot how to get back into it. So much so I had started about fifteen books and never finished one. That was partially credited to the whole first major relapse with anxiety, hypomania, and inability to focus.
This year I was determined to just finish things.
Goal: read 50 books.
Sounds stupid easy to some I know. But for me, there were months where my energy was so low or I was too anxious I couldn’t do it. I was too overwhelmed. I went a couple of months not reading at all. Those compulsions drove me crazy!!
But I am proud to say, today I finished two books [one previously started] and made it to 50!!
There were times where I really thought I was not going to make it. It stressed me out because I was missing out on literature and expanding my mind!
My job and its hours really limit me on a lot but I found my own ways to sneak in reading.
The best part? It builds on one of the DBT Skills–building mastery. This in turn provides confidence. And right now I’m feeling so high!
No fear work will crush that!
But I met a major New Year’s goal. :]
Ok so I might have left y’all on quite a cliffhanger there… Seasonal anxiety has started what with this being the food months and all. And the whole starting a new therapist amidst wanting to die…
Let’s add a dash of continued work stressors, family drama, and other loss of control.
I had my first status asthmaticus [severe asthma attack]. Solid. Been super sick–the joys of malnutrition thanks to anorexia. Still dealing with the stress of my injuries.
Flew cross country to spend my first week ever with PC’s family on vacation. I was extremely stressed about this–would they accept me? Would I be good enough? All I want is to be part of a family and be accepted; to be appreciated. How was I going to go from barely 2 snacks and 1 “dinner” to eating meals in front of his observing family? Who, PS, are all thin like him and eat allll the time!
All in all the trip was amazing! We had a wonderful time and it was everything I have ever dreamed of in terms of acceptance from a partner’s family! Spent individual time with the parents, siblings, babies; even had double dates with the parents and the siblings! I felt at ease almost all the time except meals.
I did my cope ahead and tried to meal plan as best as I could. But the south is all meat based and a lot of fried foods. This is a stark contrast from California let me tell you!!
His family was also acutely aware and accommodating to my “vegetarianism” which made it harder for me to not eat and go unnoticed. I did, however, manage to skip breakfast every day to compensate.
I was constantly feeling sick. I had upgraded to 2 full normal people meals and 2 snacks with 1 dessert every day! Ick thinking back makes me sick again. My stomach wasn’t ready for that.
The only other significant thing has been therapy.
New style. I was nervous at first but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.
I am now in eating disorder and anxiety therapy that is trauma based.
Yes. Whaaaaaat?! Trauma?!
If you have read my about me page you would see one of my diagnoses is PTSD. Well, it seems it extends a lot further than realized. All the recurring nightmares and thoughts–reliving things triggered by people/words/events. That is what we are going to tackle.
The thought being, treat the trauma, break some of the anxiety which reduces a lot of the stress and anxiety responses which are tightly linked with my anorexia.
Right now we have been fine tuning my DBT skills so that they are “natural occurrence” when the trauma portion starts.
I will definitely blog through that.
Nervous but hoping it works. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night. Work drama and stress is increasing the night terrors and nightmares. Poor PC. :[
And there I stand. Literally living hour to hour trying to survive. Hating many aspects but always looking for that rubbish silver lining.
Cassie is still around. She just shuts down when she is overwhelmed and there’s been too much new new.
And still fat because vicious cycle of not eating.