Battling Myself

I saw this awesome project on Pinterest. It involves a mini 3 drawer system in which you organize things. In this project, you organize your coloring things. 

I LOVE coloring! It is my zen. My go to self healing self care thing. 

It also is an OCD thing. Arranging my coloring utensil of choice by color. Coloring in the lines. You get the point. 

This project requires one to put all crayons in one drawer, all colored pencils in another drawer, and all markers in the third drawer. 

Sooo simple right?

Haaaa.

I like my crayons to go back in the exact spot they came from. No one is allowed to use my box of crayons because they might use them wrong. I own 6 boxes of the same type of crayons [1 for sharing] so that I have backup if anything goes wrong. They are to be used a certain way.

Yes you are thinking, dayam Cassie is crazy. I am thinking, I have control and it is perfect and how I left it… Exactly how I left it and will be the way I left it. 

With the little I have ever had control of in my life, it is this I have come to rely on.

Was my OCD behavior bred? It is possible. My invalidating environment definitely fostered the behaviors.

I digress.

Tonight I did it. I bit that crazy hard bullet. I mixed 3 boxes of crayons: 2-24 packs and 1-64 pack in one drawer. 2 boxes of colored pencils in a second drawer. 2 boxes of fine tip markers and 1 box of regular markers in the third drawer. They have all been mixed.

It looks so organized! I can easily access my coloring now and color more. I might actually use them now!

I mean I have to because they are all cross contaminated by each other. They can’t go back into their original boxes… No way of knowing now…And they cannot be mixed because that is just wrong to put them with someone that is not their crayon family…. they belong together!

Omg wtf have I done……

I am glad I am lying down. I was so proud of myself for the past hour. Now I have a headache and this is almost too much to bear.

Contaminated! 

Bite size pieces to process….

Site Fail

It seems there is some failure going on with WordPress.

 

I have tried to post a couple different posts now via the app, my usual method, and it has failed. It asked me to login which was weird, and when I created my posts and said error in posting and then in saving.

 

All my hardwork–gone. My thoughts. My expressions. My stresses gone. Add this to the stress. Sup WordPress you suck.

 

Can’t even upload a picture.

 

Story of my life.

Who’s That? Oh, ME.

Driving home today I had a moment of complete derealization.

I was thinking about how I was driving home, to my place, where I live with my boyfriend, and it was no thang. It was normal. And then I slipped out of body.

That’s not me. Who would think I was capable of actually sustaining a relationship and not ruining it? To go home to a shared bed. So foreign. Sleep in a bed that I share with someone. This should freak me out but it was not. To a home that was not my old home. A nest that I nested. A new safe. A real safe.

I have a safe place now? That’s possible?

I felt like I was splitting in half and it lasted for about 10 minutes.

What worries me is why it’s happening.

It’s happened before: when I was not medicated, from/during severe trauma, trigger [that is obvious], etc. This was random.

I think my subconscious is slipping through my avoidance…

Hiding for Fear

I have so much to say. Multiple topics. Lyrics to post. Images to relate to. 

But I feel like whatever I am to post will not be good enough. 

Ya. It’s that phase. 

The not worthy. Not good enough. Why can’t I be accepted. Phase.

Leads to:

I am feeling fat. I am fat. 

Why am I not good enough. 

Smile. They will never know.

Life is Just Such a…

Bitch.

I have been so stressed out!!

I had a major recertification that is beyond complicated to achieve.

I received the materials to prep around the time I had the stomach flu. That’s the amount of time needed to prep–a month. But I couldn’t because, well, I was extremely sick. Shit I still have gastritis! Add to that this never ending work stress!

I received a lot of hassle and grief for taking the two days off for the recertification course! Um…. Hello yall do stuff for your licenses so yall know! It’s a convenience to them when I am and am not a nurse. Cassie don’t play those games…..

Well needless to say I thought, knew, I was going to fail due to my lack of prep time. Coming home exhausted after work didn’t help.

Thanks to a miracle, I passed! Better yet, I passed the written on the first time! [First time I took it I failed the written and had to retake the written portion–only passed my skills practicum].

I was shocked! I was ecstatic! Not that I am not smart and capable, but everything was stacked against me!

I was high this weekend….sailing. A huge weight was off my shoulders. Confidence renewed.

Went into work like, “I can tolerate this because I am worthy even if they don’t recognize or appreciate me.”

And then the email came.

Our institution is terminating people. Out of the blue. No one knows who or why. Well why is “budget” but you don’t know if your job is safe. They are eliminating positions. More like the rationale of the positions cut.

I’m scared and anxious.

No one knows and tomorrow is D-day. It is a week long thing.

Will I ever get to live outside of crisis mode?!?! I mean this is not for lack of trying!!

Fuck you life. Just. Fuck. You!!!!!!!!

Freeing Myself: Babysteps 

I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.

Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.

Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.

SO I thought.

I found it making me stressed and depressed.

It was putting undue pressure on me.

Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!

Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.

2017 I need to be healthier.

And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.

Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.

✨Things I Want to Do✨

[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]

3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16

• cartwheel

• wear miniskirt with boots with fur

• wear visible belly rings

• wear bikini

• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014

• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11

• cut my hair short ✔️

• do the scorpion

• lay out and tan

• go swimming 

• take pictures

• get things for free

• be noticed

• round off

• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free

• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat

• eat wherever I want

• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)

• go to the gym and not be self conscious

• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself

• have my clavicles visible again

**took a dark turn around here**

Stomach Flu

Oh ya. I got it. And not the vomiting kind. The diarrhea kind.

And it hurt. So bad.

For 4 days I peed out my booty. Ya over share I get it. But it was horrible!!

All I kept thinking about was laxatives. Was this what it was like? The cramping? The same response?

I mean I could just feel skinnier.

Granted I was severely dehydrated. I could barely keep up and out of the hospital. The hell I was going in there!!

All I ate was small bits of bread and gatorade. For 6 days.

Everything went right through me. Including my psych meds. I started to hallucinate and become delusional!!

I better have lost some damn weight.

I mean I’m still having stomach cramping, gas, and bloating. It’s not all done yet. Rehydrating still.

My poor booty is still so raw.

Desitin baby booty cream is my best friend.

Happy Holidays. Santa gave me the stomach flu.

And even if I lost weight from this, I’m not sure all this pain was worth it. Maybe because I am still in pain I feel that way.

Ed’s voice obvi feels differently. Like bring on round two for 20 pounds!!!

SO conflicting. Stupid eating disorders. So damn torn!!