I have kept myself alive.
This has been huge considering the events of the past few weeks.
I have not sabotaged. I have not succumbed to Ed’s voice let alone what I feel like the universe keeps trying to tell me.
I am struggling with the whole eating thing but I am doing some of it. There are days when I feel I have no purpose in life but I find purpose in the day.
I always thought I was at the lowest point in a career. I thought that it could not get worse because I never thought people could behave any worse than what I experienced.
My previous job was horrid. When I left it I thought, phew it could never be this bad anywhere else.
Universe was like: challenge accepted!
So the past few years, this lady, one who has never let anyone/anyplace/anything change who she is; changed by a department.
It literally ate at my soul.
Yes. They do exist.
Outside of this blog world, I am a very happy and positive person. I never want people to experience anything I ever had nor do I think that people deserve my “wrath” unless they truly do something morally injust or ethically wrong to get it. This place is the inside of my head.
My workplace? They thrived on trying to bring me down. For several years, I was bullied and harassed on a daily basis. Sometimes by staff who came and went, but always by these 2 people old enough to be my mothers. I always tried to understand what could drive someone to be so cruel; to do what they do. A psychopathic person has more rationale than these two. At least it’s in their head.
They thrived on making my life miserable from stealing my things to actually deleting my work [in Healthcare that’s baaaaad] and falsifying claims saying I did not do it. Mainly because I made them look bad.
I ignored it. But it got to a head.
We got a new manager. Because yes our entire department in the few years I’ve been there has gone through several FULL staff turnovers and 6 managers. Say something?
I stupidly stuck through it. I tried to leave multiple times but the patients begged me to stay. And there was something more complicated but my concern had me stay a bit longer at one point.
Well this new manager decided they hated me for who knows what. They made no effort to actually know me. Considering I kept their department afloat, started two committees, and was head of several massive board projects you think I’d be one to know.
They publicly threatened several times over my job.
For several months I cried every day.
Why was I not good enough? I work my ass off. I sacrifice myself. I follow all the rules. I am opening a new sub department for them.
I. Am. A. Good. Person.
But that doesn’t mean good things will happen to you. That is not reality.
This manager threatened to terminate me on falsified information by one of the older ladies who bullied me. While this manager was part of the constant bullying and harassing, they kept making me look like a fool even to our patients whom in return despised this new manager.
It was the hardest decision, by far, I have ever made in my life.
I walked away.
I left patients in harms way. But I, too, was being threatened and harmed.
In trauma, we are taught to do what’s best for the greater good. If I can’t even take care of myself…how am I to take care of the greater good?!
My constant self sacrifice was taken advantage of and abused to the max.
My family and friends begged me to quit. One cried on the phone with me to quit. And so I did.
A week later, and more trauma from the event later, I realized why it’s been so hard.
I have been in abusive relationships: dating, family, friends. I have also grown up in a world of invalidation. This job was just that. It was an extremely abusive relationship. Until I was out, I could not see it. I tried to leave but it did not work. The cold cut quit is what did it.
Given my history of PTSD, this has been a rough few weeks. A TON of nightmares and terrors. I am barely sleeping.
The trauma exposure only recently ended 3 days ago…. And frankly it’s probably not over yet. I couldn’t even get a clean fucking cut.
But I am still alive. I am keeping myself alive. Fuck am I a survivor.
It would be nice to have some control over my life at some point in time, for once. I’m tired of having to be hopeless and let whatever happen to me happen.
For now, baby steps.